Mr Jodo and the Lord of the Bounty Hunting
by Chryseis Fett
Summary: When bounty hunters discover the One DVD of Episode III, they must embark on a quest to destroy it before all Star Wars continuity is lost forever!
1. Concerning Bounty Hunters

MR. JODO AND THE LORD OF THE BOUNTY HUNTING

PART 1: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BOUNTY HUNTING

CHAPTER 1: CONCERNING BOUNTY HUNTERS

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, in a hole in the ground, there hid a bounty hunter.

Okay, two bounty hunters. Jodo Kast, the self-proclaimed Best Bounty Hunter In The Galaxy, and his companion, Greedo.

"Jodo," the Rodian moaned, "why don't you just give it to them?"

The armor-clad human scowled. "Greedo, you fool, don't you realize what it is we have here? This is an unlabeled DVD, stolen from Skywalker Ranch. There's no knowing what treasure is written on it! It could be interviews, cut scenes, the lost episode of the Droids cartoon! It could even be the Holiday Special!"

"But Mr. Jodo," Greedo wailed, "those Ewoks are going to kill us! They think the DVD is a message from their gold-plated god! I don't want to die!"

"I don't care! There are some things more important than life, and money is one of them! Can you imagine the bounty we could get from this?"

"This is insane!" Greedo muttered. "_You're_ insane!"

"Quiet! I think the Ewoks have left. Let's get out of here while we still have the chance."

The two bounty hunters slipped out of the hole and scurried back to their hideout, looking around nervously to make sure they weren't being followed. Greedo pulled the door shut behind them and sighed in relief. "I'm glad we got away from them, Mr. Jodo. Now I can rest--" His black eyes bugged out even more than usual. "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kast whirled around to see a tall, spindly assassin droid standing in the middle of the room. He pulled out his blaster rifle and aimed it for the dead center of IG-88's chest.

"Don't shoot," the droid said in a mechanical voice. "I mean you no harm."

"What do you mean, you mean us no harm?" Kast asked skeptically. "Don't tell me you've been reprogrammed _again_."

"I come here on a mission from Cradossk's guild," IG-88 recited. "You have in your possession an object of utmost power."

"If you mean the DVD," Kast said angrily, "you're not going to get it."

"That DVD is not what you think it is," the droid continued.

"What is it then?" Kast demanded.

"The answer to that question," IG-88 said, "can only be revealed in a DVD player."

"Greedo, you got a DVD player?" Kast asked.

"No, Mr. Jodo. Just a VCR."

"My system is equipped with a DVD player," IG-88 told them.

"How stupid do you think I am?" Kast demanded. He sighed in frustration. "Fine, play it for us. But if you try anything funny, I'll shoot you."

The assassin droid popped the DVD into a little slit on the front of his chest. There was a whirring sound, and light was projected onto the wall. Kast tapped his foot on the floor impatiently, until words began to scroll down the wall.

STAR WARS EPISODE III: **[CENSORED]**

Kast's eyes bugged out. IG-88 quickly shut off his DVD player and pulled out the disk.

"Play the rest of it!" Kast shouted frantically.

"The One DVD is an object of terrible evil," IG-88 said in a monotone. "It has the ability to tempt mortals into watching it forever, until they are mere slaves of the Flanneled One's mind."

"Play the rest of it!"

"No, Jodo Kast. Your mind has already been twisted by its power. You may not recover if given a second viewing."

"I don't get it," Greedo said. "Why aren't you stealing the DVD from us?"

"This DVD is of utmost importance to bounty hunters everywhere. If the Flanneled One regains it and releases it unedited to the public, the histories of many hunters could be changed forever."

"Why should I care?" Kast muttered. "I'm never going to make it into a movie, anyway. They can't change MY past."

"I'm in the movies!" Greedo wailed. "They could make me out to be an idiot! Or a coward! Or worse yet, they could make it look like I shot first!"

"That is why the DVD must never fall into his hands," IG-88 continued. "It must be taken to Cradossk's guild immediately and hidden from the Flanneled One's eyes, until we can decide what to do with it. You, Jodo Kast, have been chosen to deliver it."

"How much will you pay me?" Kast asked greedily.

"You can ask Cradossk that when you reach the Guild."

Kast sighed. "What exactly do you want me to do?"

"Get off Endor as soon as possible. Take a shuttle to Tatooine. I will be waiting for you in the Mos Eisley Cantina. From there, we will continue the quest together."

"You mean you aren't coming with us right now?" Greedo asked in dismay.

IG-88 swiveled his cylindrical head. "I have a little hunting of my own to do first."

Greedo hurried to the door and opened it for the assassin droid. "Listen closely," IG-88 said quietly.

"Yes?"

"Don't you lose him, Greedo. If you do, Jodo Kast will immediately sell the One DVD to the highest bidder. If that happens, you will have a bounty on your own head."

Greedo gulped. "Yes sir!"

IG-88 stepped out the door. One last threat escaped his voice synthesizer: "Keep it secret! Keep it safe!"


	2. Rantings in the Dark

CHAPTER 2: RANTINGS IN THE DARK

"Episssssode III, my Precious! They've stolen my Preciousssss...."

"Shut up," Boba Fett said viciously, and kicked the Fanboy tied to the end of the fibercord emerging from his gauntlet.

It whimpered and shrunk away, then started ranting again. "Epissssode III...birth of Vader, my preciousssss...Republic falls...Sifo Dyas revealed to be--"

"Shut up!" Fett snarled, louder this time. "I don't want to hear about it." He and IG-88 had been tracking the Deranged Fanboy for months now, ever since they had found out about its connection to the One DVD. Evidently, the Fanboy had been unfortunate enough to view the film in its entirety, and had been driven mad by the sheer absence of continuity with the EU.

Fett had used all his skills to track down the Deranged Fanboy. Now he had to use all of his willpower not to kill it. They still needed it for questioning. For now, he was taking it to Dengar, who had been assigned to guard it.

"My preciousssss...Episssode III...death of Mace--"

Fett perked up. "What was that?"

The Fanboy whirled around to look at the Mandalorian warrior. "Windu...Jedi massster...very unexpected...killed by...." Its bloodshot, hungry eyes widened in recognition. "It issss him! The Bounty Hunter! God of fanboysss everywhere! My PRECIOUSSSS!"

Fett blinked. _Okay...._

"BOBA FETT!" the Fanboy screamed. "Object of worsship! Adoration! Must have piece of Boba Fett, my Precioussss!" It lunged towards him. Fett jumped back, just in time to avoid the Fanboy, who was foaming at the mouth. "Give me jetpack!" it screamed.

"No."

"JETPACK!"

Fett pointed a finger at the Fanboy in an scolding gesture. "Now listen here--"

"MUSSST HAVE PIECE OF BOBA FETT!" The Deranged Fanboy opened its mouth and latched onto the bounty hunter's hand.

Fett stifled a cry of pain. "Why you little--!" He tried to pry it off of him, but it refused to budge.

"Boba Fett's finger, my Preciousss...." it mumbled, despite the foreign object in its mouth. "Invaluable part of every Fanboy'sss collection...."

Fett used his free hand to pull out his blaster rifle. With a twinge of regret, he remembered that he wasn't allowed to disintegrate the Fanboy. Finally he used the butt of the rifle to beat the Fanboy over the head. It let go, moaning, and started rolling around on the ground.

Fett inspected his hand disdainfully, noting the blood there. _Time for the annual rabies shot, I suppose._ He kicked the Fanboy. "Get moving! I've got an appointment to keep."

The Fanboy hopped along the ground, its knuckles dragging. "Episssode III, my Preciousss...interesssting thingsss happening to Boba Fett...."

The bounty hunter turned around and shot the Fanboy a lethal glance, the same that had silenced countless lesser lifeforms before him. With a whimper, the Fanboy shuffled after its famous captor.


	3. A Shortcut to Bounty Hunters

CHAPTER 3: A SHORTCUT TO BOUNTY HUNTERS

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo shouted frantically, having lost sight of his companion. He dashed through the trees. "Mr. Jodo!"

"I'm right here, you idiot," Kast said, stopping. "What's wrong with you?"

"It's just what IG-88 told me. 'Don't you lose him, Greedo.'"

Kast raised an eyebrow, even though Greedo couldn't see it. "Why would he say that?"

"Never mind!" Greedo said quickly. Suddenly, the bushes parted and a quickly-running armored figure crashed into Greedo, knocking him to the ground. A droid ran into Kast, and he pushed it over angrily.

Greedo stood up dizzily. "Boussh and 4-LOM! Never trust a droid and an Ubese--"

Boussh was indignant. "Quioto! Quioto!"

"Boba Fett!" 4-LOM said in surprise. "What are you doing on Endor?"

"None of your business," Kast said. "Now tell me what you're doing, or I might just have to shoot you."

"We are running from the Ewoks," 4-LOM said.

"And why would that be?"

"We have just stolen some hallucinogenic weeds from them which we intend to sell on the black market."

Boussh nodded furiously. "Quioto, quioto!" He shoved a pile of greenery into Greedo's hands.

The Rodian looked at the plants for a moment, until he realized that everyone else was running away and an angry herd of Ewoks was coming towards him. He screamed in terror and took off after the others. Too late, he realized that they had stopped, and he crashed into them. All four went tumbling down the side of a hill.

"You idiots!" Kast shouted. "Look what you've done! I just washed this armor!"

4-LOM held up his hands, begging for mercy. "Please do not shoot us, Boba Fett! We are terribly sorry!"

"Quioto!" Boussh said. "Quioto!"

The droid looked at him skeptically. "Shortcut to what?"

"Quioto!"

"Oh."

"But Mr. Jodo," Greedo whispered, stepping up to his companion's side, "you aren't Boba Fett."

Kast nodded. "But _they _don't know that." He looked up, feeling something amiss. His eyes widened. "Get off the road! GET OFF THE ROAD!"

The four bounty hunters hid in the bushes, waiting in horror. Moments later, a reptilian creature astride a Kaadu came riding past them. It paused in front of their hiding place. "Mesa thinkin'," it murmured to itself, "that this One DVD must be hidin' somewhere nearby. But mesa not seein' it nowhere!" It rode off.

The bounty hunters sighed in relief. Greedo shuddered, noticing that even the insects in the ground had fled from the monstrosity.

"What was that?" Kast exclaimed.

"Some creature of the Prequels, no doubt," 4-LOM said. "Probably a servant of the Flanneled One. But why would it be looking here?" The droid turned to look at Kast, as did its Ubese companion.

"Quioto, quioto," Boussh said suspiciously.

"Yes," 4-LOM agreed. "Is there something you'd like to tell us, Fett?"

Kast nodded ferociously. "There are more of them coming! RUN!"

They raced through the trees, dodging more and more of the Kaadu-riding terrors. "Quick!" 4-LOM shouted at them. "I have a ship waiting for us! This way!"


	4. At the Sign of the Mos Eisley Cantina

CHAPTER 4: AT THE SIGN OF THE MOS EISLEY CANTINA

Shaking the sand from his boots disdainfully, Jodo Kast banged on the door of the Mos Eisley Cantina. _The sooner we meet up with IG-88, _he thought to himself, _the sooner I can deliver this DVD and get paid._

The door opened a crack. A massive, humanoid creature stared out at them, then shut the door again. Kast banged again, and the door opened. "You'd better let us in," he threatened.

"Why should Tork let you in?" the bouncer said in a guttural voice.

Kast stuck his blaster rifle in the bouncer's face. "Is this a good enough reason?"

The bounty hunters wandered up to the edge of the bar. "What do you want?" Wuher asked grouchily.

"We're looking for someone," Kast said. "IG-88."

"Oh, yes, I remember him. Tall, spindly assassin droid with a big gun." He pursed his lips thoughtfully. "I haven't seen him for days."

Kast turned back to the others. "What are we going to do?" Greedo asked.

"Stay here," 4-LOM suggested. "Maybe IG-88 is just running late."

"Do you have any spare rooms we can rent?" Kast asked the bartender.

"Yes, of course, I can get you a room. Mr...."

"Fett," Kast said in a menacing tone. "_Boba_ Fett. So make it snappy!"

A few minutes later, the bounty hunters were sitting down at a table, drinking away. "You surprise me, Fett," 4-LOM said. "I thought you did not drink."

"Of course I drink," Kast said angrily. "All men drink!"

"Mr. Jodo," Greedo whispered. "There's somebody staring at you!"

Kast waved his hand. "Hey, Wuher, get over here, NOW!" The bartender hurried to his side. "Who's that odd-looking man in the corner?"

Wuher shrugged. "He's one of them mercenaries. Dangerous folk, I say. I don't rightly know his real name, but around here, he's called Madak."

"Madak," Kast murmured thoughtfully. He watched the figure curiously. The man was clad only in an array of bandages, covering every part of his body but his eyes. He puffed away at a death stick, and the light illuminated his chocolate-brown, yet menacing eyes.

Meanwhile, Boussh had wandered to another table and was having a conversation with a Devaronian and an Aqualish. "Quioto, quioto," he told them.

Kast's eyes went wide. "Boussh, you fool!" he shouted, and ran towards the other bounty hunter. On his way there, he tripped, sprawling under the table. Somehow, the One DVD came out of his pocket, the case opening up. The DVD popped out of its holder and ended up on his finger. He stared at it in surprise, looking at all the pretty colors. "Oooh," he murmured.

__

There is no life without Star Wars, it told him. _Only...reality...._

Suddenly, a hand grabbed Kast's shoulder and jerked him to his feet. He looked up in surprise to see Madak glaring at him. "You draw far too much attention to yourself, _Mr. Fett._" He pushed the Mandalorian armor-clad figure up the stairs and threw him into a room.

"Are you frightened?" he asked.

Kast shook his head. "Boba Fett fears nothing."

Madak pulled out a blaster rifle. "Are you frightened now?"

Kast nodded ferociously. "Not nearly frightened enough," Madak continued. "Otherwise, you wouldn't have come to this cantina." He held his rifle across his bandaged chest like it was a baby. "That is no mere movie you carry."

The other bounty hunters burst into the room, Greedo brandishing a long, fluorescent lightbulb. "Stay back or I'll have you, Shorty!"

Madak blinked and considered shooting the Rodian, then decided against it. "You have a stout heart, little Rodian. But that will not save you. Not with what's coming."

"What's coming?" Greedo squeaked, suddenly frightened.

"More Kaadu-riders, servants of the Flanneled One," Madak said in a low voice. "They seek the One DVD."

4-LOM and Boussh turned to stare at Kast. "So you _do _have it!"

"I can fight them off," Kast said confidently. "Boba Fett is never defeated."

Madak raised an eyebrow. "I would gladly leave you here to fight them alone, but I cannot allow the DVD to fall into the hands of the enemy. You must go to Cradossk's Guild immediately!"

"What if I refuse?"

"Then," Madak said cooly, "I'll shoot you and take the DVD to Cradossk myself." He nodded towards the door. "Let's get moving."

"You know," Greedo said sheepishly, "those death sticks really aren't good for you."

Madak turned his penetrating gaze towards the Rodian. "That was not a real death stick. It merely added atmosphere to my entrance." He herded the bounty hunters towards the door. "I do not drink, or indulge in other drugs. They are an insult to the flesh."

"What kind of health-conscious freak are you?" Kast demanded.

Madak pulled out his blaster rifle again, and Kast hurried out the door.


	5. A Gungan in the Dark

CHAPTER 5: A GUNGAN IN THE DARK

"Are we there yet?" Greedo whined. Madak waved his blaster rifle, and the Rodian quieted.

"How do we know we can trust this Madak?" 4-LOM asked Kast.

Kast shook his head. "It looks like we have no other choice. It's obvious that I could defeat him in combat, but I'd rather not waste any power in my blaster rifle."

"Wise decision, Fett," the droid said. "As wise as that of a Jedi Master. Have you ever considered joining the Jedi ranks?"

Kast stared. "Uh, no."

"I was once like you," 4-LOM said. "And then I saw the light. Now I am a full-fledged Jedi."

"I didn't know droids could be Jedi," Kast said.

4-LOM looked at him curiously. "I am not a droid. I am a Jedi."

"Okaaay...."

"There it is," Madak said suddenly. "The ruins of the old Guild. We will rest here tonight. Tomorrow we can continue on our journey." They climbed into the ruins and set down their bags. "Stay here and keep quiet," Madak told them. "I'm going scouting." He looked at Kast threateningly. "If you even think about running off with the DVD, I will personally hunt you down."

Kast muttered under his breath angrily as the mercenary strode off. "Who does he think he is?" He lay down on his sleeping mat. "I'm the best bounty hunter in the galaxy," he murmured, drifting off to sleep. "No one can talk to me like that...."

He awoke a good while later to see the other three bounty hunters huddled around some kind of glowing crystal. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed in horror.

"Showing the others how to construct a lightsaber," 4-LOM said proudly.

"We saved some parts for you, Mr. Jodo," Greedo added.

"Put it out, you fools!" Kast cried frantically. He kicked at the crystal, and it bounced off Boussh's helmet.

"Quioto, quioto!" the Ubese said indignantly, and his voice echoed off the hills.

"You've drawn the Kaadu-riders to our camp, you idiots!" Kast shouted at them. "Run!"

The four bounty hunters hurried to the center of the ruins. Seeing themselves surrounded, they stood back to back, terrified, as the monsters approached them.

"Wesa thinkin' yousa had better be givin' da DVD to us," the Kaadu-riders said in unison. "Or yousa gonna be bantha poodoo."

Greedo picked up a stick and jabbed it at them. "Back you devils!" They trampled him without a second thought. Boussh and 4-LOM leapt forward, appearing to be brave, but actually trying to dive between the Kaadu's legs. They were similarly trampled. Soon Kast was the only one remaining. He tried to run backwards, but tripped and ended up scrambling across the ground. Much to his dismay, he ended up trapped against a wall.

"Mesa da King of da Kaadu-riders," one of them said, riding up to him. He reached towards Kast, lost his balance, and fell off of his reptillian mount with a squeal of surprise. Shaking himself off as if nothing had happened, the frightening apparition stood up and began to stride towards Kast, who was huddled against the wall in terror. "Now mesa gonna annoy you into submission." He leaned towards the bounty hunter....

"Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kast shrieked in anguish. "NOOOOO!!!!!!"

Suddenly, a bandaged-wrapped figure jumped in front of him, brandishing an EE-3 blaster rifle. Kast watched deliriously as Madak fought off the Kaadu-riders, demonstrating his mind-boggling skill. Every shot he made was dead-on, bring down one of the dark monsters. Finally, every one of the Kaadu-riders fled into the night.

Madak looked down at Kast, who was shaking uncontrollably and mumbling incoherent phrases under his breath.

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo shouted in alarm. "Uh, I mean, Mr. Boba! Is he going to be okay?"

"He's been driven temporarily insane by the powers of the Kaadu-riders," Madak told the bounty hunters. "If his mind isn't purged quickly, he'll become just like the Deranged Fanboy."

"Help him!" Greedo cried frantically.

"We have to get him to Cradossk's Guild," Madak said grimly. "It's the nearest place with a bacta tank. Hurry!" He lifted Kast into his arms and took off running.


	6. Many Meetings Between Bounty Hunters

CHAPTER 6: MANY MEETINGS (BETWEEN BOUNTY HUNTERS)

Jodo Kast opened up his eyes and was nearly blinded by the brilliant sunshine. "_Haarrlll_..._hurrggl_..._heeeenn_...." He sat up suddenly. "Where am I?"

"You're in Cradossk's Guild, Jodo Kast," IG-88 told him.

"Where have _you _been?" Kast demanded angrily.

"I was delayed," the assassin droid said vaguely.

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo shouted happily, running into the room. He pulled the human out of the bed and drug him out the door, where he was greeted by 4-LOM and Boussh. "I was afraid you wouldn't make it," Greedo said lovingly, and held Kast's hand.

Kast wanted to puke.

Meanwhile, IG-88 had gone to meet with Cradossk. "I fear that there is little hope of keeping the One DVD from the Flanneled One," the droid said. "This may mean the end of all bounty hunters everywhere."

They looked out the window, seeing the new arrivals to the Guild. First was Cradossk's son, Bossk, looking arrogant as usual. A few moments later, they spied the Punishing One on the landing pad. Dengar stepped out of it, putting a hand up to toss his beautiful golden locks--then he remembered he didn't have any. He frowned in annoyance when he didn't hear fangirls sighing.

Zuckuss and his short-statured Gand tribe were last to arrive. _Not him, _Cradossk thought in dismay. _The last time he had one of his fits, he thought he was Darth Vader and ran around hitting people with a stick and trying to Force-choke them._

Cradossk nodded grimly, getting back to the conversation. "If more bounty hunters would start working together, all this could be prevented. But our people are scattered, divided."

"There is one who could unite us," IG-88 suggested, "if only by sheer power and influence."

"They wouldn't follow him," Cradossk said in disgust. "Too many of them are complete idiots. Especially that Greedo character...."

"We could try it," IG-88 insisted.

The Trandoshan sighed. "I'll have a talk with him."

Meanwhile, Cradossk's only surviving child, the bounty hunter Bossk, wandered through the "museum," searching for something of interest. Finally he found it, when he spied a bandaged man sitting in the corner. "You're no bounty hunter," he said disdainfully. "At least not one I've seen before."

"All mercenaries are welcome here," Madak said simply.

Bossk snarled and turned away, continuing to wander. "The Shards of Westar 34!" he exclaimed in surprise. He hurried over to the broken pieces, holding one of them in his hands. "These are the blaster pistols that...." He paused. "I don't think they did much of anything. They certainly didn't do any good for their owner, now did they?"

Madak glared at him silently.

"Ah, but they're only a broken heirloom!" Bossk said, throwing down the pieces, which had been cut in half by a lightsaber. They clattered to the floor. "And one of a family far less grand than mine." He strode haughtily down the hallway.

Madak stood up and rearranged the exhibit. _Idiot, _he thought in annoyance.

Suddenly, an arrow from a bowcaster came whizzing through the air, and he had to dive to the ground to avoid it. He looked up to see that the arrow had lodged itself in the wall. There was a note wrapped around it.

__

Meet me on the bridge in ten minutes. You'll be glad you did. I have a proposal for you, one you'll have a hard time refusing.

Madak narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Nevertheless, he changed into his armor and hurried to the bridge, holding his blaster rifle at the ready. A figure shrouded in a heavy black robe stepped towards him, and he waited. The figure removed the robe....

"Not you!" he exclaimed in dismay.

"Oh, Bo," the hideously ugly dancing girl sighed, "I've been searching all over the galaxy for you. When I heard that you were here, I just had to come."

"You shouldn't have," Madak said in annoyance.

"Oh, I had to!" Rystall ran towards him, her arms open, and he backed away. "What's wrong, Bo?"

"I told you to stay away from me," he said in a low voice.

"But why? Don't you love me?"

"No."

She fought back tears. "But Bo, I thought we were soul mates!"

"What gave you that idea?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ever since..." she sobbed, "...you tapped me on the chin.... Why would you have tapped me on the chin if you didn't love me?"

Madak considered it carefully. In reality, he wasn't sure why he had done it. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. And besides, he had never really touched a woman before. It had been an interesting experience.

"It was the power of Special Edition," he told her. "The temptation was very strong, and I thought I could get away with being out of character just once."

Rystall threw herself onto him. "Oh, Bo, I love you!"

"I know what you're thinking, and I can respond to it in seven words." He gazed at her in annoyance. "Sex between those not married," said Madak, "is immoral."

"Bo, you can't really mean that!"

"Yes, I can."

"But we were in love!"

Madak considered shooting her on the spot, then remembered that unless she had a bounty on her head, it would be immoral. _I could put a bounty on her, _he thought desperately, _and then collect it myself...._

"Take off your helmet," Rystall begged.

"I remove my helmet for no one."

"Please? Pretty please?"

"No."

She leapt towards him and grabbed his head. "I'll pull it off of you then!"

"Get off me, you psycho! Get OFF!" He tried to pry her hands off his head, but to no avail. With a pop, the helmet came off. He held his arms in front of his face. "Damn you, woman, give it back!"

"Kiss me," Rystall said, holding the helmet out of his reach, "and maybe I'll consider it."

"I'm going to kill you very, very slowly."

"If you want to do that," she said in satisfaction, "you'll have to move your arms, and then I'll get to see your face."

He considered it for a moment, then moved his arms and lifted his blaster rifle, taking careful aim at her head.

"Oh, Bo, you have such pretty eyes!"

"Give me the helmet," he said steadily, "or I'll disintegrate you."

"Kiss me," she said, "or I'll tell everyone what you look like."

Madak lifted an eyebrow. "After Episode II, do you really think anyone's going to be surprised?"

"There are _some _differences," Rystall said slowly. "You're a lot prettier than your father."

"Thanks for the compliment," he said sarcastically. "Now give me the helmet."

Rystall dropped it suddenly, and it rolled off the edge of the bridge and dropped into the water. "Oops!"

Madak took one look at her and dove in after it. Ten minutes later, he walked back across the bridge, water dripping from his armor. He noted with annoyance that the combination of his breath and his wet hair was fogging up his visor. He aimed the blaster rifle at Rystall again. "Now," he said, trying to keep his anger under control, "you die."

"Oh, Bo," she said, "you don't want to do that."

"Why not?"

"Cradossk won't be very happy with you."

"Is that so."

"Yes. Especially since I'm an employee."

"Really. What exactly are you employed to do?"

Rystall gave him a big smile. "Distract you while Cradossk gives everyone a tour of the museum."

***

"Father," Bossk growled, "this is the stupidest thing you've ever done—"

"Nonsense," the old Trandoshan said. "If we don't know our pasts, we're doomed to repeat them. Everyone here should know the history of bounty hunting."

Dengar looked at a mural of a mean-looking mercenary. "Whoa, he's an ugly %$&*^!"

"Jaster Mereel," Cradossk said. "He was one of our order long before the Clone Wars." He pointed at a pedestal beside the mural. "I believe most of you have already seen the Shards of Westar. The favored weapons of Jango Fett, they were cut in half by the evil Mace Windu and have been housed at our museum ever since. I'm thinking about getting them reforged."

"It's always Fett this, Fett that," Bossk growled. "I'm sick of hearing about Fett!"

"Come Bossk," Cradossk said, "Boba's a fantastic young man, and he's like a son to me and a brother to you. After all, I practically raised him after his father was killed. You really should try to get along with him."

"Them two, get along!" Dengar snorted. "You've got a %$^%-good chance of that!"

"Quioto, quioto!"

"Yes, Boushh," 4-LOM said, "those are Jedi, just like me."

Zuckuss looked at them, his insectoid eyes whirling. "Zuckuss was a Jedi once, in his past life."

"Ah, the home movie gallery!" Cradossk said in delight. He began digging through the holofilms. "Here's a good one!"

A twelve-year-old Boba Fett was sitting on the edge of the bridge, shooting at fish with a harpoon gun, while a very small Bossk sat next to him, continuously trying to push him into the water. Fett was doing his best to ignore the Trandoshan.

Zuckuss cocked his head to one side, blinking rapidly. "Aw," he said in a woman's voice, "Zuckuss thinks they're so cute at that age."

Little Bossk reached out and grabbed Fett's curls, pulling violently. The tiny human bounty hunter couldn't stand it anymore. He pulled out a blaster pistol and shot Bossk. The Trandoshan ran off crying.

Dengar started laughing raucously. "Haha! He shot the ugly little *^&*@! Good job, Fett!"

Bossk muttered something angry under his breath.

"Oh," Cradossk cried in excitement, "here's the day Boba got his first suit of armor!"

Suddenly, the holofilm player burst into flames. The bounty hunters turned around to see a fully-adult and fully-angry Boba Fett melting it with his flamethrower. "Cradossk," he said steadily, "drop the holofilm, or I'll burn your arm off."

The Trandoshan did as he was told, and Fett melted the holofilm the moment it hit the floor. He then proceeded to circle the room, burning everything in sight. "But Boba," Cradossk exclaimed, "this is your history!"

Fett whirled around. "No, it's not." He looked at all the other bounty hunters. "My name is Jaster Mereel. I'm a former journeyman protector from Concord Dawn who was exiled after killing a corrupt associate. And if you tell anyone anything different, I'll kill you as well. Understood?"

All the bounty hunters nodded furiously.

"I'm glad to see we agree," Fett said, and went back to destroying the museum. He paused when he saw the Shards of Westar. _Hm, those might prove useful. Better take them with me._

He turned around. "What are you all staring at? Don't we have a meeting to get to?"


	7. The Council of Cradossk

CHAPTER 7: THE COUNCIL OF CRADOSSK

"Friends, allies, bounty hunters from distant lands," said Cradossk formally, "you've been summoned here to answer the threat of Skywalker Ranch."

He sat down, coughing. "Kast, do you have the DVD?" There was absolute silence. Cradossk looked around in confusion. "Where is he?" Kast kept his cool and remained silent.

Cradossk was beginning to look frantic. "Does _anyone _have the DVD?"

"I do!" Kast said, standing up. He placed it on the pedestal, glancing around to make sure no one tried to steal it before he got paid.

"Ah, Boba," Cradossk sighed in relief, "you always save the day, don't you?" He turned to the others. "Well, anyway, as you've probably all heard, we've found the One DVD, the instrument of the Flannelled One. If we don't act quickly, this will mean death to all of us bounty hunters."

"Father," Bossk said, standing up, "I have an idea. Why don't we watch the DVD and use it to our own advantage? If we know the contents of Episode III, perhaps we can change it and send it back. Star Wars could be a bounty hunter-ruled universe once and for all!"

Madak, who had been sitting next to a rather handsome and youthful bounty hunter named Jigwit (also known as "Jodo Is Great--Who is That?!?"), shook his head in disgust. "You cannot watch it! None of us can! Only the Flanneled One himself can view the One DVD without being driven mad, since he has no regards for the EU anyway."

Bossk snarled. "And what would a mercenary know of this?"

Dengar jumped to his feet in fury. "That's no mere mercenary, you stupid &#%&#$! He's Boba, son of Jango, and you owe him some respect!"

A gasp of awe went around the room, soon followed by growls as twenty heads turned to look at Kast. The bounty hunter sunk down in his chair, trying to hide. "Well," Kast muttered, trying to sound brave, "I'm better than that old fossil anyway."

"Boba!" Cradossk exclaimed in surprise. "Traveling around in disguise again, are we?" He glanced over at Kast. "Then who is this?"  


"Jodo Kast," Dengar said in disgust. "Won't you ever learn? You stupid piece of *$#@*#!"

"Now, now," said Cradossk, "we're all friends here." All of the bounty hunters rolled their eyes, except for Zuckuss, who was currently feeling rather friendly. Of course, that was about to change.

"The One DVD must be destroyed!" IG-88 proclaimed.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Zuckuss growled, and leapt from his chair like a wild beast. He pulled out his blaster and began to shoot the DVD. After several minutes of this, he stopped to check out the damage. There was none. Furious, he pushed the DVD off the pedestal and began to jump and and down on it. Not a scratch appeared.

For lack of anything better to do, Zuckuss ripped off one of his breathing tubes and aimed it at the DVD, hoping the rapid stream of pure methane gas might damage it. Within seconds, his eyes rolled backward and he collapsed. Jigwit rushed forward and pulled the dizzy Gand back to his seat.

"The One DVD cannot be destroyed, Zuckuss son of—-" Cradossk paused. "Zuckuss-son-of-some-Gand-somewhere by any mortal means. It must be taken to Skywalker Ranch and thrown back into the cutting room in which it was created! One of _you_ must do this!"

There was a dead silence.

"Why don't _you _do it, buddy?" Dengar muttered.

Bossk was almost laughing, he was so terrified. "One does not simply walk into Skywalker Ranch. Have you heard about the security there?"

Cradossk smiled. "That's why we're sending Kast."

Kast leapt to his feet. "What?!?"

"As the only bounty hunter who has to dress like Boba Fett to get a job, I think you're the most expendable one here."

"But to be sure you don't fail," IG-88 said, "I'll go with you and watch your every move." Kast shuddered.

Fett narrowed his eyes. He had no doubt that Kast would hand the One DVD over to the Flannelled One without a fight. After all, Kast was never going to be in a movie. Indeed, it was Fett himself who was most threatened.

"If by my life or death I can keep you from screwing this up," Fett said in a threatening tone, "I will." He pulled out his blaster rifle. "You have my EE-3 to make sure of that."

Dengar stood up. "And you have my blaster cannons."

Zuckuss, adopting a recklessly brave personality, cried, "And my methane!"

Bossk looked at them all suspiciously. "You carry the fate of all movie bounty hunters everywhere, Kast. If this is indeed the will of my father, then Trandosha will see it done."

Greedo, who was hiding in the bushes, couldn't take it anymore. "Ha!" he shouted, for lack of anything else to say. "Mr. Jodo's not going anywhere without me, especially since IG-88 threatened me!"

"Quioto! Quioto!" a new voice shouted, as 4-LOM and Boussh came running.

"Yes," 4-LOM agreed, "you'd have to seen us home frozen in carbonite to stop us."

__

That's not a bad idea, Fett thought, dreading the months he would spend with them.

"Nine bounty hunters," said Cradossk thoughtfully, looking them over proudly. "You shall be called--ah, nevermind. It would be too unoriginal."


	8. The DVD Goes South

CHAPTER 8: THE DVD GOES SOUTH

A cool wind whistled through the halls of Cradossk's guild as the bounty hunters prepared to leave. Zuckuss was refilling his methane tank, readying himself for the battle ahead, 4-LOM was eating apples, and Dengar was fixing his long blonde hair—until he remembered again that he didn't have any. _Damn that *@$^$ Jigwit!_

Meanwhile, Fett was kneeling before a lonely monument at the other end of the guild, a statue of a woman wearing a tight leather outfit. There was a veil over her wrinky green face.

"I've got a new joke for you, Zam," Fett said, glancing around to make sure no one was near. "Why did the Sith Lord cross the galaxy?"

There was a dead silence, as would be expected.

"To get to the Dark Side!" He tried to laugh, but found it extremely difficult and finally gave up. "What do you think? Do you like it. . . ?" He smacked his helmet (he couldn't reach his forehead). "Why do I insist upon degrading myself so?"

He sighed, a scary sound coming through the voice synthesizer. "Okay, okay, that _was _pretty bad, I know. But here's another one: A Twi-lek, a Wookiee, and a dumb Jedi are standing too close to the edge of Cloud City, and I push them off. Which one hits the molten core last?" He paused, waiting for her to reply. She didn't. "The dumb Jedi, because he had to stop and ask for directions! Heh heh heh. . . . Oh, never mind."

"I knew it!" Cradossk exclaimed, jumping out of the bushes. "She WAS the MOTHER-FIGURE!"

"Would you stop it already?" Fett asked in disgust.

"What?"

"Obsessing over me, stalking me. It's disturbing."

Cradossk didn't seem to hear him. "Your mother-figure tried to protect you. Zam thought in my Guild you'd be safe, but in her wrinkly green heart she knew you'd be hunted all your life. The skill of the Trandoshans can reforge the Shards of Westar, but only _you _can wield them!"

"What are you talking about?" Fett asked in disgust. _He's ranting again._ "I already _took_ the Shards, and you aren't ever going to touch them again."

Apparently Cradossk was only hearing Fett say what he _wanted _him to say, which was something along the lines of _But I don't _want _to be a bounty hunter anymore! I want to stay here with _you_, Cradossk!_ He responded as best as he was able. "You are the last of the Mandalorians! There is no other!"

***

Meanwhile, far far away, a secret meeting was taking place. A tall, dark, incredibly old man was pacing back and forth, gazing lovingly at his new servant.

"Do you know how the Death Watch first came to be?" Count Dooku asked, still pacing.

Durge looked at him in confusion. "I'm not part of the Death Watch—"

Like Cradossk, Dooku was getting hard of hearing in his old age. "They were Mandalorians once, until they were emotionally tortured and mutilated by Mereel's radical ideas. . . ."

Durge growled. "Grrr. . . Mandalorians. . . . Must kill Mandalorians. . . ."

"Who do you serve?" Dooku shouted, as if he were a drill sergeant.

"TYRANNUS! GRRRR!!!!!!!!"

Dooku continued his pacing all the way through his factory. What had once been a droid-building facility was now a cloning facility. Clones of Durge were popping out every minute, each one more terrifying than the original. Unfortunately, due to problems with the cloning process, they were also stupider than the original (I don't know how this can be possible, but it is) which would make them very easy to kill. . . . This only meant that Dooku would have to clone more and more of them. 

As each clone came out, its older companions would paint it with the traditional Durge insignia—a Mandalorian skull. Seeing as how Durge _hated _Mandalorians, this didn't make much sense, but like I said, Durge wasn't the smartest bounty hunter on the block.

"Tonight," Dooku proclaimed to his masses, "you will taste Manflesh—!" He stumbled over his lines. _Shouldn't have done so many sci-fi movies at once_, he thought with a sigh. _My old brain can't keep them straight. . . ._ "Tonight," he corrected himself, "you will taste MANDALORIAN-flesh!"

***

"Why couldn't we have taken _my _ship?" Bossk muttered under his breath. The nine bounty hunters were crowded on the Slave 1. "Lucky for you that big guy with the cannon sticking out of his chest isn't here with us," the Trandoshan said to Fett, "or you'd have a couple less holding cells."

"I'd probably have a couple less mouths too," Fett said, without looking away from his controls.

"Quioto?" Boussh asked.

"Where are we going?" 4-LOM echoed. "I do not know; where _are _we going, Fett?"

Dengar shook his bandaged head. "Don't bother asking. He won't tell you, trust me."

"We're going to Hoth," Fett said suddenly, much to everyone's surprise, "to explore the ice caves and attempt to find a map to Skywalker Ranch. I suspect that the crew may have left one there while they were filming Empire."

"If you ask Zuckuss," the Gand said, "and he notes you're not, Zuckuss would say the bounty hunters were taking the _long _way to Skywalker Ranch!" The others looked at him in surprise. "Hoth is a much too obvious planet to leave a map on! IG-88, Zuckuss and his companions could check the Spice Mines of Kessel. Zuckuss is sure the miners there would give the bounty hunters a warm welcome."

"No, Zuckuss," the assassin droid said, swiveling its head back and forth, "I would not take the path through Kessel unless I had no other choice.

"I'm hungry," Bossk muttered angrily. "Don't you ever eat, Fett?" He started rummaging through the cabin, searching for something edible. At that moment, he spotted 4-LOM munching on an apple. "Give me that!"

4-LOM shook its head furiously. "No, it is mine!"

"You're a droid!" Bossk exclaimed in disgust. "You can't eat!"

"I am a Jedi!" 4-LOM argued. "I need this apple to keep up my strength in the Force!"

With an angry growl, the Trandoshan hurled himself upon the droid. After a moment, Boussh jumped into the fray, trying to steal the apple for himself.

"Gentlemen," Fett said, turning around from the console, "I'll have no fighting on my ship."

"You can't tell me what to do," Bossk said without looking up. "Shorty," he added after a moment's thought.

Fett's eyes narrowed in fury, and he strode over to the group, planning on kicking Bossk in the face with his poison-tipped bootspikes. Unfortunately, he tripped over the apple and fell on top of the others. What ensued was a four-member wrestling match.

"Watch out, Fossil," Kast said under his breath. "Might break your hip."

Dengar was staring fixedly at the viewscreen, his cybernetically-enhanced eyes giving him an advantage over the others. "There's something coming." IG-88 would have narrowed its eyes if it had any.

"Nonsense," Zuckuss said, "it's just a bit of asteroid."

Fett jumped up and raced back to the controls. His fingers dancing agilely over the console, he pulled the Slave 1 into a tight loop and started turning around.

"No," Bossk said, looking at what was coming towards them, "asteroids don't move like that. . . ."

Dengar's eyes widened in surprise. "Mynocks from Dantooine!"

Just in the nick of time, Fett pulled the ship behind an asteroid. The bounty hunters watched in horror as the mynocks flew by.

"Wow," Greedo said in amazement, "neat trick, Fett."

The Mandalorian shrugged. "I've seen it done before. Several times."

"Our passage south is being watched," IG-88 said ominously. "Quickly, Fett! We do not have much time!"

***

The moment the ship landed on the snow-covered planet, all nine bounty hunters raced out of the hatch. "Brrr," Greedo said immediately, hugging himself. "I miss Tatooine."

"Hurry up, Greedo," IG-88 said, striding on ahead of them. "We have not got long."

"Snow!" Dengar cried in delight, and raced forward. "It's like Christmas on Corellia!" Much to everyone's amazement, he didn't sink into the stuff, but pranced right on top of it. He stuck out his tongue and caught spiraling snowflakes, spinning around in a circle with his arms spread out.

"How—?" Kast started in confusion, but Fett cut him off.

"Don't bother telling him it's not possible. You'll only break his heart."

Bossk ran after the human. "Dengar, what are you doing?" he called in disgust. Immediately, he dropped through eight feet of snow, seeming to disappear.

"Hm," Fett said, folding his arms across his armored chest. "What a shame."

"Aren't you going to—" Greedo started.

Fett shook his head. "No. He'll catch up." He started to follow after Dengar.

"Wait," Kast said, "how are you planning on getting through the snow?"

"Like this," Fett answered, and pulled out his blaster rifle. With a hiss of steam, the snow melted away, cutting a deep path through the landscape.

"Where's Bossk?" Dengar asked, looking down at the other bounty hunters as they walked through the path.

Zuckuss sniffled, fighting back sobs. "He fell."

Dengar glanced behind him, seeing the large hole in the snow. "Stupid $#@*$! He forgot to think happy thoughts! Oh well!" He stopped in mid-prance, his eyes narrowing.

"What is it?" Fett asked, beginning to see the flaw in his snow-cutting plan. With eight-feet of snow on all sides of them, Dengar was the only one who could see anything that was going on.

"There is a foul voice on the air," Dengar said wistfully. "It's chanting something in Huttese. . . ."

"Dooku!" the Mandalorian exclaimed. "He's trying to take down the ice caps!"

Before any of the bounty hunters could react, a massive avalanche of snow came raining down upon them. Finding himself buried alive (again), Fett ignited his jet pack and blasted out. Dengar burst out of the snow shortly after, followed by IG-88.

"Leave them?" Dengar asked, fighting back a gleeful smile.

Fett shook his head sadly. "Kast still has the DVD." Sighing regretfully, the three lifted their less-intelligent companions from their snowy prison.

"We cannot go on like this," IG-88 said in a monotone. "Dooku will continue using the Force to try and kill us. We must search somewhere else, where he cannot find us."

"We could go to the Spice Mines of Kessel," Zuckuss said, hoping they would listen to him for once.

IG-88's optical sensors darkened. It began to sense that its time had come.

***

"Yes, the Spice Mines of Kessel," Dooku said with a wicked smile. "You fear them, IG-88. The miners delved too deep. . . . You know what they awoke there, in the darkness. Tentacles, and sand. . . ."

***

"It's cold!" Greedo squealed again, hugging himself.

"Quioto!" Boussh agreed.

"I am hungry!" 4-LOM said.

IG-88 would have frowned if it had a mouth. "We could let the DVD bearer decide."

Seven heads, of all shapes and sizes, turned to look at Kast. The Mandalorian armor-clad bounty hunter swallowed nervously, then made his decision, based solely on the temperature of the air and the numbness of his toes. "We will take the Mines!"

"Yippee!" Greedo cried, and raced back down the path. He was followed by Boussh and 4-LOM, and then by Kast.

Dengar shook his head in disgust. "*%$## children."

"They are cute," Zuckuss said, in the woman's voice again, "you have to admit it."

"Afraid not," Dengar said, and followed them down the slope. He had gone scarcely ten meters before he stopped in surprise, looking ahead of them. "Wait a minute. . . ."

Fett's eyes widened in alarm as he heard the Slave 1 getting ready to take off. "What the—!" A mad race towards the ship ensued, all the bounty hunters trying to reach it before it left them stranded on the icy planet.

Greedo, who had been in the lead, was first to reach the ship. Luckily, the hatch was still opened, and hurled himself on board. The others quickly followed him, but before they could all get on, the hatch began to close.

Being the last one in the group, Fett had to leap through the air (with the aid of the jetpack, of course) to reach the ship in time. Unfortunately, he hit his head on the door on the way in.

THUNK!

"Oww," the other seven bounty hunters said in unison, wincing.

"Damned head-banging genes!" Fett moaned, the room spinning around him.

"Looks like you got a new dent there," Dengar said, helping the dazed hunter to his feet.

"Who—" the Mandalorian started, then his eyes narrowed in fury.

Sitting in the pilot's seat, Bossk laughed raucously. "That'll teach you to leave me behind!"


	9. Bounty Hunter's Journey Through the Dark

Thanks everybody for the reviews--you make me feel loved! And for those of you that are wondering, the EU is the Expanded Universe--essentially anything that isn't a movie. Which includes all of the lovely and fantastic Boba Fett comic books and novels that I based this story off of.

CHAPTER 9: A BOUNTY HUNTER'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE DARK

When the nine bounty hunters finally reached Kessel, however, they found a massive door barring their entrance to the mines. "When did _that _get here?" Bossk asked, a clawed finger scratching his head.

"The Flanneled One must have installed it," IG-88 said wisely.

"Huh," Greedo said in amazement. "Guess they _are _hiding something here. Now how are we going to open it?"

"Blast it, you idiot," Kast said, rolling his eyes.

Fett shook his helmeted head. "For now, we have the element of surprise. Let's keep it that way."

4-LOM and Boussh had stepped forward and were examining the door curiously. There was a security pad beside the door, with a speaker for receiving audio messages. There was an instruction plaque on the wall beside it. "Quioto, quioto!"

"Yes, Boussh, those _are _strange markings. But what do they say?" 4-LOM looked at the other hunters expectantly.

Bossk snarled. "Don't look at me. _You're _the protocol droid."

"No, I am the Jedi. And I regret to say that I am not familiar with this particular language."

IG-88 made a noise that might have been a sigh, if it had had lungs. "They say, 'The Gates of Kessel. Which side of a bantha has the most fur?'"

The other bounty hunters stared at the assassin droid. "What do you suppose that means?" 4-LOM said after a moment.

"Obviously," IG-88 answered, "it is a hint as to what the proper password is. If you know anything about spice mining, and about banthas, then you simply speak the password and the door will open." It raised its metallic arms as if entreating the door. "GLITTERSTEM!"

Nothing happened.

"Uh, what was that?" Kast asked in disgust.

IG-88 swiveled its head, then tried again. "RYLL!"

Hours later. . . .

"YLESIA!"

The other bounty hunters sat around a small lake beside the gates, waiting. . . . Patiently. . . .

"RYLOTH!"

. . . _Patiently_. . . .

Bossk stood up in frustration and started throwing rocks into the pond. Fett grabbed his arm immediately. "Do not disturb the waters."

"SEVARCOS!"

"Quioto?" Boussh asked, and 4-LOM nodded furiously.

"IG-88, Boussh wants to know what you are going to do."

The assassin droid whirled around in fury. "Rip off your helmet and beat your naked head against the door, and if that does not work, at least we will all have some quiet!"

"Quioto," Boussh whimpered dejectedly.

"MON GAZZA!"

Now Greedo was crying profusely. "But do I really _have _to let my myrmon farm go?"

Fett patted him on the back, trying not to sound as disgusted as he was feeling. "They'll find their way home."

"But they're myrmons! And very small ones." He sniffled, opening up the container and letting them crawl onto the ground. "Poor little myrmons. . . ."

"Don't worry," Fett said. "They are surer of finding their way home in a blind night than the nexu of Queen Amidala."

"KESSENDRA!"

Fett couldn't stand it any longer. He had been hoping they would figure it out on their own, but obviously that wasn't going to happen. _Idiots. . . ._

"JABBA!" IG-88 was growing desperate for the first time in its short life. "MELLLLL-OHHHHNNNN!"

"It's a riddle," Fett said in disgust. The others looked at him in surprise. "Come on. 'Which side of a bantha has the most fur?' Don't you know anything about riddles?"

Obviously they didn't, from the way they were staring at him. IG-88 made a gesture that might have been a nod of satisfaction. "The OUT-SIDE," it said, in a long, drawn out sound.

The gates creaked open. "It's about time," Dengar said, and the bounty hunters began to stride into the darkened corridor of the mine. That is, until they heard a shriek of terror.

Fett whirled around to see a massive, 20 meter Opee Sea Killer rise up out of the lake and grab Kast's ankle with its long, prehensile tongue. The armor-clad bounty hunter began to be drug closer and closer to the Opee's teeth.

__

The DVD! Fett thought frantically, and raced into action, followed shortly by Bossk. He whipped out his EE-3 and blasted the Opee's tongue, disintegrating it in two. Kast, still shrieking, fell through the air. Unfortunately for him, no one bothered to catch him, and he plopped into the lake. Bossk reached in and drug him out by his collar, and both he and Fett ran towards the open gate. "DEEEEEHHHHHHNNN-GAAAAAARRR!!!!!!!" Bossk bellowed.

The Opee chased after them in bestial rage, and Dengar shot at it, buying the other two hunters enough time to escape. As soon as they reached the gate, all nine bounty hunters raced into the mines. The gate collapsed behind them, blocking out all light.

In a moment, IG-88 turned on the handy flashlight that was jutting out of his chest (it was just below the DVD player). "We now have but one choice," it said. "To find another way out of here."

"Of course," Kast said nervously, "you've been here before. . . haven't you?" IG-88 nodded, and Kast sighed in relief. With the assassin droid leading the way, the nine bounty hunters tramped through the dark tunnels.

That is, until they reached an unexpected fork in the path. IG-88 stopped abruptly. "My memory banks hold no record of this place."

Hours later. . . .

"Quioto?"

"Are we lost?" 4-LOM echoed. "No."

"Quioto."

"Shh!" the droid scolded the Ubese. "IG-88 is attempting to recover the missing data from its memory banks."

"Quioto?"

"What?" the droid asked in exasperation.

"Quioto."

"_You _are hungry?" 4-LOM said angrily. "You do not even use the Force!"

Thoroughly disgusted with _everyone _(_all _of the other bounty hunters were incompetent), Kast paced about the small chamber. The smell of spice was heavy in the air, and Kast made sure to leave the filters in his helmet _off_. Suddenly, something moved in the darkness. At first he thought it was merely a hallucination caused by the massive amounts of spice he had been purposefully inhaling, but then he realized that it couldn't possibly be, since he could never get intoxicated in any way. Kast jumped back in alarm, then raced up to the nearest bounty hunter who had slightest bit of capability. "There's something out there!"

"It is the Fanboy," IG-88 explained. "He has been following us for three days."

The Deranged Fanboy crept up to the edge of their camp, blinking its large, teary eyes. "Epissode III, my Preciousss. . . ." it hissed. "Nassty Mandaloriansss stealsss it from usss."

"It's a pity Fett didn't kill it when he had the chance," Kast said, squirming away from the Fanboy. "Think of the time and money we could have saved."

"Money?" IG-88 echoed. "Money is what stayed Fett's hand. After all, Cradossk has promised to reward us all greatly."

"The Fanboy!" Fett exclaimed, seeing it, and leapt to his feet. "What's it doing here?"

"Boba Fett!" the Fanboy squealed. "Bearer of the amazingly awessssome jetpack!"

Fett turned around and shot Dengar a death glare. "Would you like to explain yourself?"

"Well," the cyborg said slowly, looking down at the ground in shame. "I took it to my $@*$ guild, like you told me. And I locked it up real tight. . . . But it just looked so sad, locked up all day, all alone, and the poor little *&%@# kept crying to be let out. So I just loosened its chains a little bit, then took it outside for a *#$@ walk. . . ."

"Idiot," Fett muttered under his breath.

"JETPACK!" the Fanboy wailed again, and leapt onto Fett. "Mitrinomon Z-6!"

"No!" the Mandalorian shouted, trying to push the creature off him. "It's mine! My own!" Dengar beat the Fanboy over the head with his blaster cannon, and it ran off whimpering down the corridor.

"Close call," Kast said with a grin. "That thing could have aggravated the Fossil's arthritis, if you hadn't stopped it." The other bounty hunters stared at him blankly.

"Uh, why do you keep &#@$ calling him Fossil?" Dengar asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because he's ancient," Kast answered, "duh. He's an old man who should have retired forty years ago."

Dengar blinked. "He's only thirty-four."

Kast squirmed under the eyes and optical sensors of eight other bounty hunters. "Uh. . . ."

Fett smacked Dengar. "Idiot! Of course I'm a fossil! After all, I was exiled from Concord Dawn well over thirty years ago."

"Oh," Dengar said slowly. "Oh. Aha. That's right. I must have forgotten." He winked at Fett, and the other rolled his eyes. Unfortunately, the expression was hidden behind the helmet and Dengar wasn't able to appreciate it. "Besides, if you want to keep calling him names, Kast, there are tons that are better. For starters, Sarlacc Food."

Fett's eye twitched.

"And then there's Bucket Head."

Fett's other eye began to twitch.

"And Nerf Herder."

Fett clenched his fists.

"And Idiot."

Kast watched in horror as Fett slowly got angrier and angrier.

"Bubba. . . .

"Shorty. . . .

"Twiggy. . . .

"Toothpick. . . .

"Runt. . . .

"And last but not least, $#*@&."

Luckily for Dengar, IG-88 chose that moment to speak up and distract Fett from taking out his wrath. "Aha!" IG-88 said, in a monotone that ruined the entire effect of the interjection.

"It has recovered the missing data!" 4-LOM cried in elation. "It has repaired its memory banks!"

"The oxygen-nitrogen-carbon dioxide-argon-hydrogen-helium-neon-spice laden atmosphere does not smell so foul down here," IG-88 said as it began to lead the bounty hunters down the correct hallway. "When in doubt, 4-LOM, always follow your olfactory sensors."


	10. The Bridge of IG88's Doom

CHAPTER 10: THE BRIDGE OF IG-88'S DOOM

Ahead of them in the corridor, the bounty hunters could see a small room, probably where the miners had lunch. Zuckuss darted ahead, too quickly for the others to stop him.

"No!" he wailed, beating his insectoid head upon the carbonite slab that rested before him. "No-o-o. . . ." Bossk sighed and rubbed the Gand's back. "He was my brother, you know. In my past life."

"Did he just—" Kast started, and Fett nodded.

"He has multiple personalities. Did you really expect _all _of them to speak in the third-person?"

IG-88 handed its blaster rifle to Boussh and lifted a data pad off the carbonite slab. It pressed a button on the data pad, and a video of a distraught miner appeared. "They have cut off the north passage," the miner was saying frantically. "The Opee Sea Killer In the Water took two of us yesterday, and five disappeared the day before. The south passage is collapsed. . . ."

Terrified by the narrative, Boussh backed further and further away from the data pad, until he was pressed against a narrow spice chute. Obviously the miners had used it for raising and lowering their harvest, as a bucket was propped up on its edge. He gripped the blaster rifle fearfully.

". . . every day they grow closer to breaking down the door. There is a sort of Endor-like drumming. . . . Drums in the deep. . . . We cannot get out. . . ." His voice trailed off as the data pad's screen fizzled and went dead.

IG-88 fixed its optical sensors on the other bounty hunters. "They are coming."

"Quioto!" Boussh cried in alarm, and jumped. His armored elbow hit the bucket and sent it spinning down the spice chute, followed by the chain it was tied to. . . and the pulley the chain was on . . . and the mechanism that held the pulley. . . and a large hunk of plaster. . . and a couple rocks. . . three data pads. . . a pile of glitterstem. . . two bottles of spice beer. . . a dismantled protocol droid's silver head. . . the droid's arm. . . its other arm. . . its legs. . . its optical sensors. . . a complete set of Star Wars Tales comics. . . a copy of the Shadows of the Empire: Bounty Hunters Pop-Up Book. . . that spiffy first-edition Boba Fett action figure with a plastic missile launcher that blinds children under the age of thirteen. . . a 3D toothpicks and marshmallow model of the DNA double-helix. . . a used handkerchief. . . a purple spork. . . an entire kitchenette. . . and a dead womp rat. _Finally_ there was silence.

IG-88 threw down the data pad. "Fool of an Ubese! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!"

"Quioto," Boussh whimpered, and reluctantly handed the assassin droid the blaster rifle.

Suddenly, there came a sound from deep within the spice shoot. A sound like that of the drums of Endor. "Mr. Jodo," Greedo cried, "it's the Ewoks, come back for revenge!"

"Nonsense," Kast said nervously. "They can't have followed us here. They don't have the technology."

"No," 4-LOM said. "From my Jedi training, I would recognize the sound of native Ewok drumming anywhere."

The pitter-patter of furry little feet echoed down the hallways, and Bossk raced to close the door. He leaned against it in terror, looking at the other bounty hunters. "They have a Cave Rancor™."

"Let them come," Zuckuss cried valiantly, jumping atop the carbonite slab and wielding his methane tubes bravely. "There is one miner left in Kessel who still draws breath!"

Fortunately for the Gand, the door didn't hold for long. Under the strain of arrows, slingshots, battering rams, and primitive stone axes, it burst open. Hundreds of rabid Ewoks flooded into the room.

4-LOM and Boussh squealed in alarm. They tried to run away, but Dengar grabbed their arms and hurled them towards the Ewoks, where they had no choice but to fight for their lives. With the help of Bossk, IG-88, Dengar, and Zuckuss, Fett disintegrated Ewoks by the dozens, wads of bloody fur flying in all directions.

But there was one foe greater than any Ewok—the dreaded Cave Rancor™!

"Aiiieeee!!!!!" Kast screamed, running away to hide. Greedo grabbed a pan that had escaped being thrown down the spice chute with the rest of the kitchenette. He valiantly tried to beat the Rancor™ into submission, but unfortunately, he could only reach its knee.

Kast ducked behind a column, gasping for breath. Within moments, though. . . . "ROOOOOAAAAARRRR!!!!!!" The Cave Rancor™ had the brains to look _behind _the column! Kast was so frightened that he fell over backwards and began to scramble across the floor like a crab. The thought didn't even occur to him that this wasn't the fastest mode of transportation, and soon he found himself backed up against a wall.

"FEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH--EEEEEHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shrieked.

__

The DVD! Fett thought in alarm, and came to its rescue. Racing towards the Cave Rancor™, he reached behind him and pulled a spiffy electromagnetic pitchfork from his back. He'd been using it since 1977, but this was the first time it would be seen in a medium other than a cartoon special. Without delay, he hit the power switch and began to electrocute the monster.

Unfortunately, the Cave Rancor™ was very thick skinned, and it didn't feel a thing. With a wave of its claw, it struck Fett and sent him flying into a wall.

"Fett!" Kast shouted frantically, shaking the other bounty hunter. "Fett, wake up and protect me! PLEASE!" He let go of the other man's armor and stepped back, realizing it was no use. "What's with you Fetts?" he cried in dismay. "You always seem to get hit in the head at the _worst possible time_!"

With a growl of sadistic pleasure, the Cave Rancor™ ripped the pitchfork out of Fett's limp arms and turned it on Kast.

"Somebody help—!" The pitchfork's electrical blast hit him square in the chest. "Me-ee-ee-eee-eee-eee. . . !"

Its task completed, the Cave Rancor™ turned around to finish the other bounty hunters. Suddenly thinking he was super-agile again, Dengar leapt up onto its back and began to blast it in the head. Then Boussh fell on it in much the same way. At that moment, lucky for Boussh, the computer animator had a massive heart attack and died. The CG Cave Rancor™ was no more.

Fett chose this time to conveniently wake up and find Kast lying dead on the floor.

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo wailed in misery, and raced forward. Much to his surprise, Kast sat up coughing. The other bounty hunters sighed in disappointment. "That pitchfork should have electrocuted a wild dewback," Fett said in annoyance. "As soon as this mission's over, I'm going to find the idiot that sold it to me. . . ."

"Mandalorian armor!" Zuckuss said in awe, apparently noticing Kast's raiment for the first time.

IG-88 nodded its cylindrical head solemnly. "I think you will find that there is more to this bounty hunter than meets the optical sensor."

Hearing the sounds of more Ewoks racing down the corridors, the nine bounty hunters hurried out the opposite side of the room. Greedo stopped suddenly, forcing the other bounty hunters to wait for him. "Now there's an eye-opener," he said.

"You idiot," Kast cried, "we've got to get moving--!"

But it was too late. The bounty hunters were surrounded on all sides by hundreds of rabid Ewoks.

Suddenly, the Ewoks turned and ran. A strange, red and black checkered light was shining down the corridor from another room. "What is this new devilry?" Bossk asked in fear.

"Ai, ai," Zuckuss wailed, "the Flanneled One! The Great Flanneled One is come!"

Dengar looked at the Gand in fury. "That's _my _%#$@* line!"

"This foe is beyond any of you," IG-88 said. For a moment, Kast thought the assassin droid was going to offer a solution. Unfortunately, he was wrong. "RUN!"

They raced down the corridor, trying to escape the monstrous creature of flanneled flames that pursued them. Since he was more important than anyone else, Bossk made sure he was in the lead. However, he began to see the flaw in this plan as he ran out of walkway and almost plummetted into a huge cavern, hundreds of feet deep. Luckily, Dengar grabbed him at the last moment and pulled him to safety. Fett sighed in disappointment. _Idiot._

IG-88 looked around for a way to escape. "To the Bridge of IG-88's Doom!" he ordered.

Everyone stared at him. "The bridge of _what_?" Bossk asked.

"I regret to say," IG-88 vocalized, "that I have just accidentally ruined the surprise. Sorry."

The other bounty hunters turned to run, but Fett, feeling a tinge of duty and honor, stayed at IG-88's side, brandishing his blaster rifle. "Go!" the assassin droid commanded. "Blasters are of no more use here!"

Within moments, the nine bounty hunters were racing down a wide set of stairs, built over the same massive cavern. This fact became painfully obvious as the bridge began to crumble before them, leaving a large gap in the steps. Ever the agile one, Dengar pranced across the gap with no problem, followed shortly by Bossk and IG-88. Fett, however, found himself trapped on the other side with the five remaining bounty hunters—much to his dismay. Just to get them away from him, he hurled Greedo, Boussh and 4-LOM over the gap within seconds. He turned to grab Zuckuss, but was met with the madly whirling eyes of a crazed insect.

"Nobody tosses a GAND!" he proclaimed, his voice suddenly going very deep. He leaped across the chasm, and of course, he didn't make it. Dengar barely caught him in time. "NOT THE METHANE TUBES!" Fett and Kast, always smarter than the other bounty hunters (at least Kast, anyway) rocketed over with their jetpacks.

Soon the nine bounty hunters were running single-file across a narrow bridge. Beneath them, there was a massive pit, infinitely deep. Within that pit lay. . . .

"THE ALMIGHTY SARLACC!" the Flanneled One roared, stepping onto the bridge. The bounty hunters stopped in surprise, pausing at the other end of the bridge. Much to their amazement, the Flanneled One couldn't even pronounce the names that he himself had supposedly invented.

"AFRAID, ARE WE?" the monstrous, black and red checkered figure asked. "IS NO ONE BRAVE ENOUGH TO FACE ME?"

"_Somebody_ go," Kast said, looking at the others in disgust. "You bunch of cowards."

The Great Flanneled One pranced about the bridge, checkered flames spurting from his back. He was forty-feet tall, mean, completely covered with flannel, and sick of Boba Fett's fanboys and fangirls. He was ready to put a stop to this nonsense, once and for all! "RED ROVER, RED ROVER," he chanted menacingly, "WE DARE BOBA OVER!"

Fett felt his knees shaking, and he ordered them to be still. "Why should I?" he asked, glaring as hard as he could.

"OH, IS THE BEST BOUNTY HUNTER IN THE GALAXY AFRAID OF A LITTLE SARLACC?"

"No, but I have a strong distaste for flannel."

The Great Flanneled One laughed. "I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE FOREVER, DON'T YOU?" Fett nodded. "WELL, YOU'RE WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!"

"Really."

"AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD! YOU NEVER MADE IT OUT OF THE SARLACC! AT THIS MOMENT, IT'S STILL DIGESTING YOU! DEAD!"

Fett shook his head, unimpressed. "Thanks to some innovative comic book writers, I made a full recovery."

Incensed, the Flanneled One spurted even more flames from his back. This time, they were green and black with fury. "I CREATED YOU! I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD, AND I CAN TAKE YOU OUT, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR FANCLUB SAYS! YOU'RE MINE! MY OWN!"

"Doubtful," Fett said stoically. "You? Come up with this spiffy suit of armor? No. It was probably Ralph McQuarrie. And that Oriental-looking fellow."

The Flanneled One chuckled evilly. "CRADOSSK NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FATHER."

Fett sighed in annoyance. As a matter of fact, he was so annoyed that he forgot to deny everything for once. "He didn't need to. I was there. You made that Windu character kill him."

"NO. _I_ AM YOUR FATHER! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW GIVE ME THE DVD!"

The Mandalorian-clad bounty hunter rolled his eyes. "Could you at least use some creativity?"

"HERE'S CREATIVITY! IF YOU WATCH MY DVD, YOU'LL FIND THAT IN EPISODE III, YOU FALL INTO A LAVA PIT AND BECOME HORRIBLY SCARRED AND DISFIGURED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! YOU'RE GOING TO BE UGLY! UGLY UGLY UGLY!"

Fett scarcely blinked at the threat. "They did it to me in Tales, and I survived. Been there, done that. Besides, my fangirls will _always _love me."

The Flanneled One was starting to get desperate. "BOBA. . . . I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE IF YOU COME HERE. . . ."

The bounty hunter sighed in boredom.

"YOUR MOTHER FIGURE'S SO FAT—"

Fett's eyes went wide. "What did you say?"

"OOH, FOUND A WEAKNESS, HAVE I? THAT UGLY MONSTER CAPTURED YOUR LOVE, EH?

"She is _not _a—"

"ALL BOUNTY HUNTERS ARE UGLY MONSTERS. INCLUDING. . . SINTAS."

Fett laughed at the mention of the name. "Nice try." He turned around, gesturing at the other bounty hunters to start leaving. "You almost had me for a minute."

It was time for the last resort. From his great checkered pocket, the Flanneled One pulled a thick booklet of paper. "YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BOBA?"

"It's BOE-buh," Fett said in disgust, "not BOB-uh. Now what is it?"

"IT'S AN EPISODE III SCRIPT, AND I THINK IT'S CALLING FOR A LITTLE ROMANCE. EVEN A WEDDING." He pulled out a pencil. Curiously, it was covered in flannel. "LET'S SEE. SCENE 20, BOBA FALLS IN LOVE WITH JABBA'S DANCING GIRL—"

Fett finally snapped. He raced forward, intent on snatching the pencil from the Flanneled One's hand. Tentacles snapped up out of the pit, reaching towards him. One wrapped itself around his jetpack, trying to pull him off the bridge, and he fought against it. Reaching down, he pulled the utility knife from his pocket and sliced at it. The tentacle slithered away, and Fett hurried onwards—

"_HER WHITE AND PINK SPECKLED HANDS REACHING UP TOWARDS HIM_," the Flanneled One read aloud, "_SHE BEGINS TO UNBUCKLE HIS ARMOR._ RYSTALL: OH, BO, WHAT A NICE CHEST. . . . _SHE REMOVES HIS HELMET. _RYSTALL: I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. _HER HANDS MOVE TOWARDS HIS CODPIECE—_"

Seeing Fett only a few meters away, the Flanneled One laughed in victory. He quickly scribbled something down in the script, then lifted his hand to reveal that the pencil had turned into a flannel-colored lightsaber. "COME TO DADDY. . . ."

Dengar leapt forward and grabbed onto Fett's leg, sending him falling face first. The cyborg pinned Fett's arms behind his back, holding him in place. "Noooooooooooooo!!!!" Fett shouted in horror. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, as tentacles whipped towards them. The Flanneled One swung his red and black lightsaber through the air—

"Cease your movement," a mechanical voice said bravely.

"WHAT?" the Flanneled One cried in surprise as IG-88 stepped between him and his prey. "DO YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME?"

Dengar, thanking the Empire for giving him his super strength, drug Fett back to the other side of the bridge. "I am a servant of no one," IG-88 said, "wielder of the flame torch of Alderaan. . . . You cannot pass!"

The Flanneled One laughed nervously.

"Go back to Skywalker Ranch! The dark scriptwriting will not avail you!"

The Flanneled One stepped forward, furiously scribbling in his script. Unfortunately for him, he was having a hard time figuring out how to fit IG-88 into Episode III's storyline.

"You! Shall not! PASS!" IG-88 cried, beating the butt of its blaster rifle upon the bridge. The Flanneled One stepped forward to destroy the droid. But before he could take three steps, the bridge crumbled beneath him. He fell into the Sarlacc, screaming like a little girl.

IG-88 turned to face the other bounty hunters, blinking its oral sensors in what might have been a smile of relief. But just then, a whip of flannel and flame came flying up out of the Sarlacc. It wrapped itself around IG-88's metal leg and drug it to the edge of the bridge.

Fett tried to run forward, but Dengar was still holding him back. _It's got my Harry Potter DVD,_ Kast remembered in horror. _That stupid droid's still got my Harry Potter DVD!_

IG-88 hung on the ledge by only a few fingers. It looked at the bounty hunters morosely. "Fly, you fools!" And then it let go.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kast wailed in agony. "HAAAAARRRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!" Before he could run forward and leap into the Sarlacc after the assassin droid, Bossk grabbed him around the middle and began to carry him off. Ewoks appeared on the other side of the bridge and began to throw rotten fruit at them with wooden catapaults, and the bounty hunters turned tail and ran out the door.

Fett stood in place, still in shock. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. So slow that he could simply dodge anything the Ewoks threw at him without the slightest bit of trouble. _I. . . almost. . . married. . . Rystall. . . ._

"Boooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh—bbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bossk called, his voice sounding extraordinarily deep. His thoughts racing, Fett turned and fled from the mines.


	11. Executor

DISCLAIMER: I'm allowed to make comments about Viggo Mortensen's teeth (which are the cutest in the world) because I am his biggest fangirl in the world—or maybe his second biggest—oh, okay, I'm probably number 35 if you don't count the ones who are stalkers—but I'm _one _of his biggest fangirls in the world, and that makes it okay. Savvy?

CHAPTER 11: EXECUTOR

Greedo collapsed to the ground and covered his face. First they were chased by Ewoks, then they were chased by more Ewoks, and then IG-88 fell into a Sarlacc, and then there were more Ewoks—! _The humanity!_

Fett paced about, trying to regain his senses, as he surveyed what remained of the team. Bossk was trying desperately to hold back Zuckuss, who was trying to return to the Mines. Boussh was lying on the ground, sobbing, while 4-LOM tried to comfort him. Dengar was staring about in confusion, his bright blue eyes wide and teary, as he tried to comprehend emotions of sorrow that had long ago been burnt from his brain.

Fett grabbed Greedo by the collar, shook him, and pulled him up. "On your feet, Rodian." Greedo sniffled.

Bossk looked at him in anger, flashing his teeth. "Give them a moment, for pity's sake!"

Fett shook his head. "In minutes, this planet is going to be swarming with Ewoks. We have no choice but to get offworld as soon as possible." He started to call the Slave 1, then realized that someone was missing. "Kast?" he called in alarm, worried about the DVD's safety. "Kast, where are you?"

Kast was walking away, and he slowly stopped and turned around as he heard his name. He was holding his helmet in his hands, and his dirty blonde hair was matted with sweat. "Harry," he whimpered softly, looking directly at Fett, and a single tear trickled from his brilliant blue eyes and down his perfect face.

And all the fangirls wept with him.

***

"Concord Dawn," Fett whispered in awe as the Slave 1 approached his ancestral home. The other bounty hunters crowded in around him to see. Inside his helmet, Fett grinned joyfully, a very rare occurrence. If they had been able to see it, the other bounty hunters would have noted that Fett had much straighter teeth than Viggo Mortensen.

"Why are we here?" Bossk asked in disgust. "What possible interest could we have in a planet with such a ridiculously peaceful name?"

"Because we—" Fett started, but then the controls on his ship started going haywire. Before their eyes, a massive Super Star Destroyer burst out of hyperspace. Fett's fingers danced over the console, but it was too late. Blue light surrounded them as they were caught in a tractor beam.

"What are you doing?" Kast exclaimed in a panic. "Don't you have some fancy gizmo that can get us out of this mess?"

Fett scowled. "For the purpose of this fanfiction, no, I don't." He stood up and began producing weapons from various compartments around the ship. "All we can do is fight for our lives and hope for the best."

Zuckuss looked at 4-LOM and Boussh, shaking his head. "They say a powerful Force-wizard lives here. All who look upon him fall under his spell. But no worry. I have the eyes of a Talz and the ears of a Sullustan—"

"Open the hatch," a familiar voice called from outside, "or we'll be forced to cut through it. We both know that's the last thing you want, Fett."

Fett grumbled and opened the hatch, holding his blaster rifle at the ready. "Admiral Piett," he said in disgust.

"I thought I might find you here," Piett said, and gestured for the bounty hunters to leave the ship. They followed him through the Executor, looking around suspiciously. "Lord Vader wants to see you immediately."

"Hijacking my ship is not the usual way of hiring me," Fett said gruffly.

"I don't want you here, either." Piett snorted, shaking his head. "Bounty hunters! We don't need that scum."

Immediately a change came over Zuckuss, and his eyes whirled in fury. "And you know what this Gand says to that?" What followed was such a horrible stream of Gandish cursing that I can't even repeat it here.

Fett smacked Zuckuss in embarrassment. "That was _not _so courteous. _Always be polite to a client._"

"Jango's *$#@% code?" Dengar asked, smiling.

Fett glared. "Jango? Who's that?"

"Sorry."

Within a few minutes, the bounty hunters found themselves standing on a familiar bridge as the very Lord of Darkness himself walked towards them. "Where is IG-88?" he asked in a dark voice. "For I much desire to speak to him. . . ." He studied each of the bounty hunters in turn. Kast let out a sob, remembering his dearly departed Harry. "I see. He has fallen into a Sarlacc."

He clenched his fists. "The quest stands upon the edge of a lightsaber. Make but a simple idiotic mistake like you usually do, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Therefore, you should give me the DVD right now."

Fett nearly jumped in surprise. "What do you mean, Lord Vader?" he asked, trying to sound respectful.

Vader clenched his fist again, and Fett gasped. "You know _exactly what I mean._"

Fett tried to answer, but all that came out was, "_Uhhnnn. . . ._"

"Uh, Fett?" Dengar asked, seeing the Mandalorian struggle to breathe. "You need some help, buddy?"

"Uhhnnn. . . ."

"Because if you do, all you need to do is ask. I'm here for you."

"Uhhnnn. . . ."

Dengar smiled. "That's what friends are for."

"Enough of this foolishness!" Vader snarled, and unclenched his fist. Fett gasped in relief. "So much trouble could be avoided if you would simply hand me the DVD right now—"

"Lord Vader," Fett said carefully, so as not to lose his air supply once more, "I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I see," Vader said. "I have to do things the hard way." He looked at the bounty hunters one by one and waved his hand. "You feel like dancing."

"What?" Bossk asked in surprise.

"You want to dance," the Dark Lord repeated, "the _Lizard _dance, and you want to do it all around the bridge. . . ."

"Can't . . . resist. . . ." Kast said, groaning and writhing.

4-LOM started to move around somewhat jerkily. "Limbs . . . not . . . responding. . . ."

"But I can't do the lizard dance now," Bossk protested weakly, "not without the old songs of my spawn-fathers!"

Dengar seemed to be enjoying it, and he pranced about the room. "La, la la, la la!"

The Dark Lord would have laughed, but he never laughed.

Fett gripped the railing, falling to his knees and holding it tightly. "No," he said firmly, struggling against the strange urges, "I won't be controlled by you. . . ."

"I think you will," Vader said, and focused his mind directly on the last of the Mandalorians.

"Noooooo!!!!!!" Fett cried out in anguish. The rest of the bounty hunters had given in by now, and were dancing gaily about the room, but he would not allow himself to do so. He was strong; he had the strongest will in the galaxy. He would not be blackmailed by a former Jedi. _The worse things are, _his father said, _the calmer you need to be._ Fett took a deep breath and concentrated on happy things. Scorched Sarlacc. . . . Rystall in the Rancor pit, begging for mercy. . . . Mace Windu's head being disintegrated. . . .

Vader looked at Fett and nodded. "I see. You are stronger than I expected, Fett. Very well. You have earned respect." Immediately, the other bounty hunters stopped dancing, gasping for air. That is, all except for Dengar, who continue singing and frolicking. The others tried their best to ignore him.

"Tonight," Vader said, "you will rest. That is, all except for Kast."

***

Kast was herded into a small room, the kind used for torture. He huddled in the corner, terrified, as Vader followed him in and closed the door behind them. Much to Kast's surprise, Vader began to work at the clasps on his helmet, slowly taking it off.

Kast stared.

Vader held out the helmet. "Will you look into my helmet?"

Like all successful bounty hunters (though he was the only one, of course), Kast was suspicious. "What will I see?" As soon as he spoke the words, he realized how British they sounded. _Harry would be proud._

"The helmet shows many things, Jodo Kast. Things that were. Things that are. And some things that have not yet come to pass."

__

The future! Kast thought giddily. _I can see what happens in Harry Potter Book Six!_ He greedily grabbed the helmet away from the Dark Lord and stared into its murky blackness.

But much to his surprise, Kast saw neither Harry nor Ron nor Hermione. _Bother!_ Instead, he saw the faces of his companions flashing before him. Greedo was crying, and Dengar's face was filled with despair. Endor was burning, and Ewoks were running this way and that, their fur caught on fire.

Then he saw some kind of ranch, surrounded by many guards. It was cloaked in shadow. In the vision, Kast seemed to fly faster and faster, right into a great throne room in which sat a monstrous figure of flannel and flame. It laughed as it clutched a worn pile of comic books in its hands.

At its feet lay a miserable, beaten figure, chained to the floor hands and feet.

"BUAHAHAHA," the Flanneled One laughed evilly, "I'VE FINALLY WON. I'VE REWRITTEN EVERY COMIC BOOK, EVERY SHORT STORY, EVERY NOVEL, AND EVEN THE HOLIDAY SPECIAL, AND I'VE FINALLY WON!" It waved the comic books in the defeated bounty hunter's face. "YOUR LEGACY IS RUINED! IT'S ALL GONE, ALL SHATTERED! IT'S ALL COME TO PIECES!"

"If you must die," Fett whispered weakly, barely able to lift his helmetless head, "do so with valor. . . ."

"VALOR? YOU CAN'T EVEN BEAT GREEDO! YOU'RE WORTHLESS! BUAHAHAHA!" It smiled in its revenge. "NOT EVEN YOUR FANGIRLS CAN LOVE YOU NOW."

The Flanneled One waved its flanneled hand, gesturing for its flannel-clad guards to come forward. "TAKE HIM AWAY. THROW HIM IN THE DEEPEST, DARKEST ROOM IN THE FILM VAULT, AND MELT THE KEY. AND LET US NEVER SPEAK OF HIM AGAIN. FROM NOW ON, BOSSK IS THE GREATEST BOUNTY HUNTER WHO EVER LIVED."

Suddenly the scene changed to a hallway outside the throne room. There was a video camera on the wall, covered in flannel, and it rotated to face Kast. _I see you. . . !_

The DVD came out of Kast's pocket, and he barely grabbed onto it before it could fly into the abyss of the helmet. "Arrrgghhh!!!!" he groaned, as he fought against it. Suddenly, the suction stopped, and Kast fell over backwards.

Gasping, Kast looked up at Vader. "Take it!" he cried, holding out the DVD. "I don't want it anymore! This is all just too darn freaky! Excuse me, I meant _bloody frightening!_"

Vader put back on his helmet. "So you give it to me freely." He seemed to grow darker, and then his image went negative. "In place of the Flanneled One you would have a Dark Lord! Powerful and treacherously deceitful! All shall fear me and despair!"

Kast shrunk back in terror. "Uh, maybe I shouldn't give it to you after all. . . ."

"With this DVD," Vader said, returning to normal, "I could control all Star Wars continuity forever. Return of the Jedi would have a drastically different ending, in which Luke and I destroyed the Emperor together and ruled the galaxy. Fett would be my loyal slave, licking my big black boots. Whenever I had a bad day, I would _kick _him!"

Kast shuddered, wondering what would happen to himself.

"Of course," Vader said after a moment, "it would never work. Only the Flanneled One himself has the power to change Star Wars history for the better—if he chooses to do so. In the hands of a character, less than omniscient, the DVD can do only harm." He clenched his gloved fists. "The DVD must be destroyed."

__

Well, duh! Kast wanted to say, but feared the Dark Lord's wrath.

"Very well then," Vader said to himself. "I will go to Skywalker Ranch and destroy it myself."

Kast raised his hand slowly. "Uh, Your Dark and Evilness, is that really feasible? I mean, are you capable of stealth?" He nearly squealed when Vader turned to look at him.

Vader considered it, using all his strength to keep his wrath under control. "You may be right, Kast. Perhaps I should send someone more . . . secretive. More surreptitious. More . . . _furtive_." Kast stuck out his chest proudly, smiling underneath his helmet. "Perhaps I should send . . . Fett."

Kast's eyes bugged out. "What? Fossil? You must be joking!"

****Sorry I'm so slow, but I've got school and activities and all. I've got a good start on Chapter 12, and also on another Fett fanfiction, which is an angst instead of a comedy, but things are slowing down and I should be able to churn them out faster now. Thanks for waiting!


	12. The Great Homeword OR Concord Dawn

CHAPTER 12: THE GREAT HOMEWORLD or CONCORD DAWN

The next day, Lord Vader was "kind" enough to supply the Fell—I mean, Brotherhood—no, Alliance is a better word. . . . I've got it! The "Extremely Temporary Partnership of Bounty Hunters"—there, that's better—with three small starfighters of their own.

He also gave each of them very special gifts.

To Bossk, he gave a very special wookiee-hide belt. To 4-LOM and Boussh, nice shiny blasters.

To Dengar, a magical blaster cannon made of an alloy only found on his homeworld of Corellia. Dengar's bright blue eyes lit up joyously, and fangirls the world over used Sound Recorder to document his delighted sighs and then set their computers' multi-purpose MP3 players on repeat. Of course, when their mothers walked into the room and heard his strong, R-rated language, they were all grounded for an indefinite amount of time. This goes to show you why you should be Fett's fangirl and not Dengar's. To put it simply: "Cursing," said Fett, "is immoral."

"To you, Jodo Kast," Vader said, "I give the power of the Dark Side. It will guide you by making all Light Sides seem to go out."

To Greedo, a rope ("What good's _that _going to do me?" he exclaimed in dismay, though Fett could think of several good things to do with it) and a box that definitely did not carry the traditional seasoning of Endor, but rather a special, radioactive, Dark Side Compost that would make any sort of hallucinogenic weed bloom more fragrantly than ever before.

"I have no gift to give you, Fett," Vader said solemnly, when the others weren't listening, "since you decided so long ago to declare yourself an Enemy of the Empire."

Fett rolled his eyes. "I don't want anything from you anyway."

Vader didn't seem to hear him. After all, Fett was a lesser life form. "That is, I have no greater gift to give than that which has already been given to you. The Lady Rystall—"

Fett gagged audibly, almost vomiting into his helmet. "We're leaving right now."

"What was your $@*# gift?" Dengar asked Zuckuss later, as they traveled away from the Executor. He and the Gand were sharing one of the three fighters.

Zuckuss's eyes grew soft and blurry, and he sighed, expelling large amounts of methane from his insectoid lungs. "I asked for a single hair from his lava-scarred head," he whispered. "And he gave me three."

Despite the romantic words, and the dreamy look in Dengar's eyes, the fangirls did not record this scene.

Finally they landed on Concord Dawn and began the long trek to their destination, though Fett refused to divulge the purpose of their journey to anyone else, though Dengar begged for hours. They stopped for the night, but Kast slept fitfully, dreaming of a helmetless Vader.

He awoke only once, when he heard Bossk and Fett arguing violently over where they would take the DVD next.

"I would not take the DVD within a hundred parsecs of _your guild!_" Fett said derisively.

The next morning, the bounty hunters set off on their journey again. Bossk seemed strangely quiet, as if startled by his nighttime conversation with the leader of the Partnership.

"Look," Fett whispered, shoving Kast roughly. Kast looked up to see two massive statues set into the landscape, each of a Mandalorian-clad figure. "Ah, the Mandalorians. Long have I desired to look upon the mercenaries of old. My kin. . . ." And indeed they were his kin, for these were Jango the Silver-Armored, and Jaster Mereel, the founder of the order. Tall like kings they were, with hard, piercing eyes, as they held their T-visored helmets at their sides. The other bounty hunters found themselves stricken dumb with awe.

***

Meanwhile, the Durges landed on the peaceful planet and leapt from their ships, racing forward to the steady, rhythmic beat of Saru—I mean, Count Dooku's—theme!

"RRRRROOOAAARRR!!!" the original Durge growled as he took the lead, already tasting Fett's wholesome Maori flesh between his jaws—

***

Unaware of the danger that approached them, the bounty hunters stopped and set up camp. A fierce argument arose between them. "Orbiting, swirling asteroid fields as far as the radar can see!" Zuckuss cried angrily when Fett told them their next destination.

Boussh's eyes went wide in terror. "Quioto," he whimpered softly.

"Like it or not," Fett said firmly, "that is our course. If you argue any further, I have the perfect way to solve the problem."

"What's that?" Greedo asked curiously.

Fett looked at him, astonished that the Rodian had to ask. "I'll shoot you."

4-LOM and Boussh were exchanging worried glances, and finally Greedo spoke up. "Where's Mr. Jodo?"

Fett's eyes wandered over in surprise to see Bossk's wookiee-hide belt lying abandoned against a tree. . . .

***

Kast was roaming through the forests of Concord Dawn restlessly, unable to calm the thoughts that ran screaming through his head. A DVD that everyone wanted but him, a bounty hunter that kept threatening to shoot him, a crazed Fanboy that followed them everywhere, and his precious Harry gone forever.

He curled up on the remains of another giant statue, hoping to sort out his thoughts.

"None of us should wander alone," a familiar voice said, "you least of all."

Kast looked up in alarm to see Bossk quickly approaching him, his arms full of ridiculously large branches that no one could hope to set on fire. Then again, there was always Fett's flame-thrower. . . . But that was the least of Kast's worries.

"Jodo," Bossk said, trying desperately to make his reptilian voice sound gentle, "I know the burden you carry. It is needless to suffer alone."

Kast, once again, was suspicious. "Are you asking me to give you the DVD?"

"Yes," Bossk said immediately.

"Well. . . ." Kast considered it carefully. "Yes. I mean, no. Definitely no."

Bossk threw down the firewood in fury. "I ask only for the strength to become rich and powerful!" He tried to calm himself. "If you would but lend me the DVD. . . ."

"No," Kast said, climbing off the statue and beginning to back away. "Can we talk about this later?"

Bossk suddenly rushed forward and jumped on top of him, pushing him to the ground. "It's mine! It should be mine! Give it to me!" Kast struggled to keep Bossk from undoing his cargo pockets, but it was no use. Soon the DVD case was in Bossk's hands, and the Trandoshan greedily tore it open. In his haste, though, the DVD popped out of the case, spinning into the air.

__

Jodo, the DVD whispered seductively, as it spun. _Jodo. . . ._

Without delay, Kast reached upwards and slid his finger through the hole in the DVD's center. As soon as it was through, the DVD began to spin even more rapidly, throwing off bands of brightly colored light in all directions and blinding the reptilian bounty hunter.

"The continuity!" Bossk wailed in pain. "Oh, my eyes!" He jumped up, holding his claws over his face.

Kast seized the moment and darted away, running into the forest.

"Curse you!" Bossk screamed at him. "Curse you and all the Mandalorians!" Attempting to chase after Kast in his blindness, he stumbled forward and then slipped, falling back down the slope. "Jodo?" he asked after a moment, whimpering at the idea of having lost the DVD. "Jodo!"

***

"JODO!"

But Kast was not listening to the Trandoshan's frightened cries. Instead, he was running through the confusing, rainbow-colored DVD-world. He raced up what might have been some sort of ancient piece of architecture and fell to his knees. As he opened his eyes wide and looked ahead of him, he again seemed to be flying through the air. A great shape loomed up in his view, a mighty and terrible Ranch, and he flew through the corridors until the flanneled security Camera, capless and wreathed in flame, rose to meet him.

Kast ripped the DVD from his finger before he could hear it say "I see you" again. It was getting old. He looked around him to see that he was seating upon a statue of an aquiline creature native to Concord Dawn.

"Kast?" Fett asked, walking towards him.

Kast jumped in surprise, slithering to the ground. "The DVD," he managed to gasp. "It's brainwashed Bossk."

Fett's eyes grew dark, and he reached for his EE3. "Where is the DVD?" he asked in a low, menacing voice.

Kast jumped backward in alarm. "Stay away! I'm the best bounty hunter in the galaxy, and you're only asking for trouble!"  


Fett chased after him a few steps before he realized that he was only making Kast run faster. "I have a contract with Lord Vader to get this DVD safely to Skywalker Ranch. You're the one carrying it. Why would I disintegrate you? Wouldn't it make more sense to protect the DVD?"

Kast looked at him carefully, then decided to do something brash. He held the DVD forward where Fett could admire its pretty colors. "Can you protect it from yourself?"

Fett's visor only seemed to intensify the bands of light emanating from the DVD. He sucked in a deep breath, surprised at its twisted beauty. _Boba. . . . _it whispered.

__

With this DVD, he thought, _I could kill Mace Windu once and for all. And Rystall. And Kast. And the Max Rebo band. And Dannik Jerriko; he's stealing my fangirls. But I would kill the fangirls too, because they disturb me. And I would kill all the other bounty hunters—except Dengar, he's too harmless to kill; and Zuckuss, because he's useful. . . . And I would rule the universe, and the starwars.com data banks would never be fiddled with again, except under special circumstances, because I hate my wookiee braids inexplicably changing to "ominous braids" and my height increasing three inches to make me more menacing. . . . When will they learn? Tall doesn't equal menacing; look at that idiot Gungan—_

Boba. . . . the DVD whispered again.

"Would you destroy it?" Kast asked softly.

__

Sarlacc Food. . . .

With this last insult, Fett jerked back to reality, his face growing hot with anger. He pushed the DVD away from him, where its pretty colors could no longer influence his thoughts in such pitiful ways. He took a deep breath and did what needed to be done. "I'm still going with you to the end," he said, "into the very horrors of the Cutting Room."

"I know," Kast said softly, sending shivers down the spines of fangirls.

"Kast, your radar!" Fett cried in alarm, seeing approaching hoards of Durges appearing on his own. Kast's eyes widened in alarm as he received the same information. "Hurry, run back to the forest and head towards our fighters! Wait for us there! But whatever you do, don't let them get the DVD!"

Kast scurried off. Fett wouldn't have let him go under other circumstances, but he was convinced that the thought of betrayal hadn't even occurred to the poor idiot yet.

__

I'll make you proud, Dad, he thought, as he stepped forward in front of the oncoming Durges. He lifted his EE3 and touched it against his helmeted forehead ever-so-gently in some sort of blessing, then took aim—

***See, I told you I'd churn them out faster!


	13. The Much Foreseen Breaking of the Partne...

CHAPTER 13: THE MUCH FORSEEN BREAKING OF THE PARTNERSHIP

Kast raced down the hill. He could hear the Durges chasing after him, and he tried not to squeal. Finally, he ducked behind a tree and held his breath, hoping they were stupid enough that they hadn't seen him yet.

He was right. They ran straight past him, thanks to Dooku's messed-up cloning techniques. When they had gone, Kast looked up to see Boussh and 4-LOM hiding behind another tree.

"Jodo Kast, relocate yourself to our location!" 4-LOM shouted obnoxiously loud, and Kast winced. If the Durges hadn't heard that, they were even stupider than he had imagined. Why Boussh and 4-LOM's tree was a better hiding place than Kast's, he had absolutely no idea. Besides, Boussh smelled bad. Kast shook his head furiously.

"Quioto?" Boussh asked, souding hurt.

"He is not coming," 4-LOM said slowly, realizing. "He is betraying us! He is returning to the ships and escaping with the DVD!"

Boussh jumped up from behind the tree and raced forward, followed by 4-LOM. The droid began pulling out a lightsaber, and Kast realized with horror that they were planning on attacking him. He fumbled with his blaster, lifting it clumsily.

Suddenly, twenty more Durges came running down the hill and saw Boussh and 4-LOM standing in the open. "GRRRR, Mandalorians!" they roared, apparently not even intelligent enough to discern a droid and an Ubese from a Mandalorian.

"Quioto!" Boussh squealed in terror, grabbing 4-LOM's arm and pointing. 4-LOM's insect-like optical sensors took in the information at a glance, and the two bounty hunters turned tail and starting fleeing down the hill, the Durges on their tails.

Kast sighed in relief as he saw both the bounty hunters and the Durges disappear from sight. He knew that this was his chance, and he raced off into the trees, heading towards the starfighters.

***

Meanwhile, the last of the Mandalorians was enjoying himself as he disintegrated Durges left and right. He was standing on top of the ruins, shooting them down as they attempted to climb up after him. Finally, getting bored with such an easy operation, he decided to mix things up a bit. He launched himself (using his legs, not his jetpack; he had learned by now that using the jetpack always ended up causing him a great deal of pain) off of the stone ruins and on top of the Durges.

"JASTER MEREEL!" Fett shouted at the top of his lungs, knocking down several of them.

The Durges howled in fury at the mention of the name, and they began to fight like rabid dogs. Fett barely climbed to his feet in time to shoot the ones that were coming after him. He was completely surrounded by now, and was having difficulty keeping them back. Well, he had certainly mixed things up.

Suddenly, Dengar and Zuckuss came racing into the battle. "Where have you been?" Fett muttered angrily. "Idiots." Much to Fett's surprise, however, Zuckuss seemed to be chasing Dengar. "What the—?" Sure enough, Zuckuss was trying to shoot Dengar, and Dengar had raced into the battle only to escape him.

"Feeeeehhhhh—eehhhht!" Dengar wailed, waving his arms at the Mandalorian. "He's gone $#*@&-schizo again!"

__

Great, Fett thought, rolling his eyes. He quickly switched his EE3 to the lowest setting (For the purpose of this fanfic, blasters have settings) and took aim. With a light tap of the trigger, he shot the mouth-foaming Zuckuss right between the giant insectoid eyes. The Gand stopped in his tracks and shook his head, his eyes whirling. "Zuckuss does not know where he is," he whimpered, looking around in confusion.

When a Durge leaped through the air on top of the Gand, however, Zuckuss quickly became alert. "Aieee! Zuckuss is being killed!"

Fett switched the blaster rifle setting to maximum again and shot the offending clone. "Where are you going?" he shouted, seeing Dengar retreating from the battle.

"I forgot my *@#@$ hairbrush again," Dengar mumbled, trying to escape.

Grumbling in fury, Fett switched the rifle _again _and shot Dengar in the back. The Corellian screamed, and Fett smiled in spite of himself. "Oh, sorry," Dengar said after a moment, turning around. "I suppose I remembered it after all."

Meanwhile, Zuckuss was enjoying himself perhaps more than was appropriate. "Ha haha ha!" he chuckled loudly, holding a methane tube in one hand and a blaster in the other. As a Durge approached him, the Gand sprayed methane gas into his eyes, then shot him.

"I must admit," Fett said softly, "I've never seen _that _tactic before."

"Taste methane, clones!" Zuckuss cried in a deep voice. "Muahahaha!"

Fett started to feel a little bit jealous of the fun that Zuckuss was having, and he adjusted his blaster rifle to the middle setting. When he shot the next Durge, it exploded instead of being disintegrated. Fett smiled beneath his helmeted visage as chunks of flesh showered the area.

The next several minutes of the battle were definitely some of the best he'd ever had in his life, excepting maybe when he'd taken out the real Durge so many years ago. He began to reminisce about times long past, recalling his first hunts. How wonderful it had felt, to feel the first credit chip slipping from Fortuna's hand into his own! How empowering!

"Hey, Zam!" Fett shouted, forgetting himself for once. "Which side of a Durge has the most guts?" He shot another one, and the head exploded, spraying brains everywhere. "The outside!"

Dengar whimpered, wiping the gore off his face, and made a mental note never to make Fett mad at him again.

Suddenly, a loud bellow like that of a Wookiee sounded over the hills. Fett started to wonder what a Wookiee was doing on Concord Dawn; then he realized that it was not a Wookiee but a Wookiee-call, used to attract them towards bands of hunting Trandoshans.

"The Wookiee-call of Trandosha!" Dengar cried.

"Bossk!" Fett said, and began to fight his way out of the crowd. If he hurried, he might get there in time to see Bossk die a miserable, painful death. If not, he might be able to find an excuse to cause it himself.

***

"Quioto!" Boussh wailed, holding 4-LOM's claw-like hand. A Durge was coming straight towards them, and they stood frozen in terror.

Just before it pulled the trigger on its blaster, however, a large reptillian shape barrelled into it and knocked it over. "Bossk!" 4-LOM said, pleased that its circuits hadn't been fried. "You have come to rescue us!"

"Rescue you?" Bossk snarled, biting into the Durge's neck and flinging the body to the ground. "You little womp rats were trying to escape! Stolen the DVD from Kast, have you?"

"No!" 4-LOM cried, backing away. "I am a droid, and we are uncapable of theft."

"Unlikely story," Bossk growled, and turned towards the two smaller bounty hunters, licking his lips.

"Quioto," Boussh whimpered, closing his eyes beneath his helmet.

But 4-LOM was not afraid. He could see that, behind Bossk, a Durge was creeping up slowly. Seeing as how it had the intelligence to creep up, 4-LOM deduced that it could be none other than the original Durge himself. The bounty hunter lifted a blaster and aimed it toward Bossk.

"I'm going to make a belt out of your hide," Bossk said to Boussh, moving in for the kill. Before he could bite the Ubese's head off, however, Durge shot him in the back. The Trandoshan fell to the ground, steam rising from his body.

"Thank you," 4-LOM said to Durge, having to stretch his head back to see such a tall being. "You are our savior. You have liberated us from the clutches of a homicidal Trandoshan warrior who wished to tan Boussh's hide. We are indebted to you forever. You are a wonderful being, and we—"

Durge pointed his blaster at 4-LOM's face.

"Oh," the droid said.

Luckily for the two bounty hunters, they were rescued a third time when Fett plowed into Durge, knocking him to the ground. Durge jumped to his feet to see exactly who he had been hoping to meet. "Fett," he rumbled. "At last I shall have my revenge."

All the Durge clones that were in the area crowded around in a circle, eager to see the battle.

Fett almost laughed, and would have done so if he hadn't spent the last twenty years being an emotionless killer. He lifted his blaster rifle, still on the highest setting, and pointed it at Durge's head. A thrill running through his armored body, he pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

Fett realized his mistake almost right away. Using the highest setting on the EE3 at the beginning of the battle had drained its power pack faster than usual. _Idiot! _he scolded himself.

He looked up from his blaster rifle to see Durge swinging his own rifle towards Fett's head. It collided heavily with his helmet, knocking him to the ground and sending him rolling.

"Oh no!" 4-LOM said, waving its metallic appendages in the air. "We are doomed!"

"Quioto!"

"Yes, Boussh, I am a powerful Jedi, but even a powerful Jedi cannot hope to defeat the awesome power of Durge!"

"Uhnn," Fett groaned, rolling onto his back. He kicked upwards just in time to hit Durge square in the chest and send him tumbling backwards. Desperate to make up for his mistake, he jumped up and threw himself on top of the other bounty hunter, punching him in the side of the face. Unfortunately, Durge was wearing a helmet and didn't feel a thing. Durge quickly pulled out a different blaster and aimed it at Fett, then fired. The Durge clones cheered.

Fett was surprised to feel himself being thrown backwards, where his back struck a tree. Whatever it was, it hadn't really been a blaster. He opened his eyes to see a net opening around him and pinning him to the tree. Without a moment's delay, Durge aimed his real blaster rifle at Fett's head.

Almost feeling concerned for a moment, Fett released the blades on his gauntlet, slicing through the netting and allowing him to slip to the ground just in time. The blaster fire hit the tree right where his head had been, and the whole top half of the tree burst into flames.

"Quioto."

"Yes, Boussh, that was close."

Being an ultra-cool Ninja-looking piece of supervillain eyecandy, Durge pulled out some glittery throwing stars and grinned evilly. The clones looked at each other, wishing they were cool like their father.

"What the—?" Fett shouted, wondering what the Flanneled One had been thinking when he invented this guy. _I've been completely screwed over! _he thought angrily. _Curse you, Lucas!_

The throwing stars spinning towards him, Fett used his amazing martial arts skills to dodge them left and right, thanking the comic book writers for endowing him with such useful skills. Durge growled at the failure of his plan and raced towards Fett in fury. Acting on gut instinct, Fett reached behind him and wrenched one of the stars from what was left of the tree, hurling it towards the other bounty hunter. It embedded itself between the armor of Durge's leg, and he pulled it out, roaring angrily. Raising the star to his mouth, Durge lifted up his helmet just enough to lick the blood off the star.

*Author's Note!* I am NOT responsible for the previous scene! I swear, it wasn't in the script! *

Fett stared at him, feeling ill. Energized by the taste of blood, Durge continued his mad rampage towards his sworn enemy.

"Fett, prepare to catch this well-thrown projectile arm that I am sending in your general direction!" 4-LOM called.

Fett looked over and realized that the droid had actually detached his very sharp arm and was throwing it at him. The Mandalorian caught it deftly and held it in front of him. Much as he expected, Durge plowed right into it and was impaled. How 4-LOM's arm had been sharp enough to cut through the armor, Fett had no idea, but was thankful nonetheless.

"Quito."

"Yes, Boussh, I stole that move from IG-88."

Durge snarled in pain, leaning towards the Mandalorian as if to headbutt him. But since such moves are not allowed in Star Wars movies, Fett quickly grabbed the blaster rifle out of Durge's hands and disintegrated his enemy's head.

"Help us, Fett!" 4-LOM suddenly shouted. "We are being assaulted by a large, angry dinosaur!"

Fett turned around to see Bossk rising to his feet and coming after the droid and the Ubese. Without a second thought, he lifted Durge's blaster rifle. At the last minute, however, he switched the setting to stun. _Cradossk wouldn't like that one, _he thought regretfully.

Bossk hit the ground without a sound.

"Hooray!" 4-LOM cried. Just at that moment, however, the clones decided to retreat. On their way out, they grabbed Boussh and 4-LOM around the middles and carried them off.

"Quioto!" Boussh wailed. His voice gradually faded off into the distance.

Dengar and Zuckuss came running down the hill just in time to see Boussh and 4-LOM being carried off. "Um, Fett? Don't you think we should rescue the little @&#$@'s?"

Fett fixed his T-visored helmet in Dengar's direction. "No."

"Oh," Dengar said, swallowing. "Well then. . . ." He looked around to see Bossk lying several meters away. The Trandoshan was slowly rising to his feet again, rubbing his head.

__

Stupid power pack, Fett thought. _Stun mode just isn't what it used to be. _He strode towards the Trandoshan. "How are you feeling?"

Bossk shook his head, trying to clear away the dizziness. "Better, I think. But I feel like—" His slitted eyes widened as he remembered what had happened. "Hey, you shot me!"

"Yes, I did," Fett admitted, then pulled back his fist and struck the Trandoshan square in the face. Bossk tottered back and forth for a few moments, then tumbled to the ground.

***

Kast stood at the edge of the clearing that held their starfighters. The DVD was out of its case and in his hand, and he looked down at it numbly. _I wish the DVD had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened—by that, of course, I mean that I wish none of these nincompoops had come with me. I wish I had already completed the mission and gotten paid by now._

A voice came to him from far back in his memories, and a familiar cylindrical head popped into his mind. _So do all who live to see such bounties, _IG-88 said monotonously. _All you have to decide is what to do with the job that is given you._

A tear of regret trickled down Kast's cheek.

Taking a deep breath, he strode towards the nearest fighter.

"Mr. Jodo!" Greedo cried, racing into the clearing. "Wait for me!"

Kast hurried up into the fighter. "I'm going to Skywalker Ranch alone!" he shouted back at the Rodian.

"I know," Greedo said stupidly, "and I'm coming with you!"

Kast powered up the fighter and it began to lift off the ground. Greedo was still running towards him. "Greedo," Kast cried in dismay, "you can't fly! GREEDO!"

But the Rodian had already grabbed hold of the fighter and was hanging on for dear life as it rose into the air. The currents pummeled Greedo's body, and he stretched a scaly green hand upwards as if reaching towards the heavens. "And I wasn't even in the air," he often told his mother, years later. "It was all CG."

Popping the hatch despite the danger involved, Kast reached down and grabbed Greedo's hand, pulling him into the fighter. Greedo sat there gasping. "IG-88 said, 'Don't you let him escape, Greedo,'" the Rodian said tearfully. "And I don't mean to! I don't mean to."

"Oh, Greedo," Kast sighed, feeling tears in his own eyes. He leaned forward and embraced the Rodian, and both of them began to cry heartily.

***

Fett stood panting in the sunlight. He had just spent the last half hour dragging Bossk by the tail, and he had finally reached the edge of a river.

"Um, Fett?" Dengar asked timidly. "What are you planning on doing with the stupid *$@%$?"

"As our companion Bossk has heroically fallen in battle," Fett said grandly, "we shall commit his body in the way of his people, by throwing him into this dangerous, rushing, obviously-deadly river and allowing the fish to eat him."

Dengar and Zuckuss blinked, looking at each other.

"Laddie," Zuckuss said carefully, in a ridiculously heavy Scottish accent, "I do-nah think you unduh-stand. Bossk, he inna dead, he's a-merely unconscious, ya see."

Fett kicked the Trandoshan in the face, and Bossk let out a moan. "Sounds dead to me."

The other two bounty hunters watched in quiet horror at Fett drug Bossk to the river's edge, then began to roll him towards it. With a splash, the Trandoshan tumbled into the river and was carried away by the current.

"Now," Fett said formally, "we will sing a song in remembrance of him, in the language of his people." He took a deep breath, then shook his head. "On second thought, let's leave right now and forget about the eulogy."

Dengar looked up as he heard the familiar sound of a ship soaring overhead. "It's Jodo and Greedo! They've &$*$# escaped with the DVD!"

It took a few moments for the gravity of what had just happened to sink in. Fett stood there dumbly, then had the sudden urge to fling himself into the river after Bossk. "Idiot!" he shouted. "Idiot, idiot!"

"What are Zuckuss and his friends going to do?" the Gand asked, fingering his methane tubes.

"The only thing we can do," Fett said in a low voice. "Go after them and—"

What followed was a terrible stream of curses that I am loath to repeat it here. The closest thing I can give you is this: "*%$&@--*$***$$@! @%#& nerf-herding @%%#! *&#$!"

Even Dengar had to cover his ears.

"Gentlemen," Fett said, regaining his trademark cool, "let's hunt some Kast."

"YES!" Zuckuss roared, laughing gleefully, and began to dash off through the woods, followed by Dengar and Fett.

***

Jodo Kast stood at the edge of a high precipice, looking down over a frightening landscape. "Skywalker Ranch," he said, shuddering. "I'm glad you're here with me, Greedo."

He sighed, reaching out and taking the Rodian's scaly hand. "I don't suppose we'll ever see them again," Kast said thankfully, dreading what Fett was planning on doing to him.

Greedo shook his head ominously. "We may yet, Mr. Jodo. We may yet."

Their hands clasped in a gesture of eternal friendship, the two bounty hunters began to climb down the precipice and then off into the horizon.

__

Here ends the first part of the history of the War of the DVD.

The second part is called THE TWO TWI-LEKS, _since the events recounted in it are dominated by _RYSTALL, _the dancing girl of Jabba, and the female-rights activist _NOLAA TARKONA, _who believes desperately that the bounty hunter Boba Fett is in fact her long-lost sister Oola; it tells of the deeds and perils of all the members of the now sundered Extremely-Temporary Partnership of the Bounty Hunters, until the coming of the Great Flanneledness._

The third part tells of the last defence against the Flannel, and the end of the mission of the DVD-bearer in THE RETURN OF THE FETT.

THE END

A Further Note: _If you would like to learn more about Bounty Hunters, read the epic novel _Tales of the Bounty Hunters, _or try the comic book _Twin Engines of Destruction.

Author's Note: You may think that this is the end, but remember, there's still the credits. Special features will be a commentary by Boussh and 4-LOM, and best of all—the title song for the epic film _The Extremely-Temporary Partnership of the Bounty Hunting—_"EE3,"sung by everyone's favorite Twi-lek songmistress, Eenya!


	14. Credits AND Title Song

DISCLAIMER: I love each and every one of the cast members of Lord of the Rings, and just because I make fun of them doesn't mean I don't like them. 'Specially Viggo.

CREDITS

Kast: "Hello everyone, this is the Cast Commentary for the wonderful film, _The Fellowship of the Bounty Hunting. _This is the time when you get to listen to my voice and wish you could see my big, gorgeous blue eyes—"

Greedo: "Ahem! Well, is everybody here?"

Dengar: "All except for Fett, who's too busy perfecting his $#%&@-art. By that, I mean the Hunt."

Boussh: "Quioto."

4-LOM: "I agree completely. Fett does smell—"

Kast: "Oh, look, the credits!"

DIRECTED BY MISS CHRYS

Dengar: "Lovely, lovely girl."

Bossk: "I hate that stupid *^#$@. . . . Kept calling me a dinosaur—"

SCREENPLAY BY MISS CHRYS

Bossk: "Her name's on here TWICE?"

Zuckuss: "Zuckuss thinks she is a bit odd."

Dengar: "Yeah, sometimes it seemed like she had this weird, *$%@# obsession with Sarlacc Food—"

PRODUCED BY MISS CHRYS

Bossk: "AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!" *begins to strangle Greedo, who is sitting beside him*

Kast: "I don't think that woman likes me."

BASED ON THE MOVIE BY GEORGE LUCAS

Bossk: *calming down* "It's about time."

Kast: "All hail the Great Flanneled One."

*No one moves.*

Kast: "Or not."

JODO KAST as HIMSELF

Kast: "Top billing! Top billing! Told you I was the best!"

IG-88 as HIMSELF

Boussh: "Quioto."

4-LOM: "Boussh would like to point out that a little known fact about IG-88 is that he is not very straight. Not very straight at all. In fact, the cylindrical shape of his head would lead you to think that, indeed, he IS straight, but he is not."

Dengar: "He's a *$@^$."

Kast: "Likes protocol droids."

Greedo: "You should see him play Richard the Third."

RYSTALL as HERSELF

Dengar: "Holy—! What the $#&$! Why's she got third billing?"

Boussh: "Quioto."

4-LOM: "Rystall has third billing because she is very hot, or at least that is what biological lifeforms have told me."

Dengar: "That and the fact that her dad's a &%*$@ rock star. With that big red hair, the guy doesn't even have to wear a wig."

BOBA FETT as HIMSELF

Kast: "That guy's CRAZY! Sometimes something just CLICKS, and you see this mad glint in his eye—"

Bossk: "One time, he tried to throw his own scale double—"

Dengar: "You know, the one that makes him look taller? We had to reconcile the conflicting heights between the Official Site and All the Other Sites somehow. . . . Fett *$&# HATED having a scale double—!"

Bossk: "—right over a cliff! We were barely able to stop him."

Boussh: "Quioto."

4-LOM: "Boussh would like to point out that Boba Fett smells bad. He chooses to bathe only once a week, because he is busy perfecting his Art—"

Kast: "'The Art of the Hunt?' Bah!"

Dengar: "And the girls still *%*$# love him. Go figure."

GREEDO as HIMSELF

Kast: "You know, Greedo really was 'My Greedo.' I mean, he ordered me pizza, took care of my car keys, didn't complain when I threw cigarette butts in his face. . . . Even let me use him for target practice."

Greedo: "I love this film because it shows that there are some things worth fighting for, like continuity—"

Kast: "What do you mean by 'fighting for'?"

Greedo: "I mean pulling out blasters and disintegrating clones, of course, Mr. Jodo."

Kast: "Harry Potter says fighting is bad. I hope you aren't insinuating something different."

Greedo: "I was just trying to say—"

Kast: "Did you know you're the only Republican in Hollywood?"

Greedo: "Shutting up now."

DARTH VADER as HIMSELF

*The cast has decided not to comment on the Dark Lord, as they prefer to remain alive until Part 2.*

ZUCKUSS as HIMSELF

4-LOM: "This particular biological entity loves to eat."

Boussh: "Quioto."

Dengar: "Once I asked him about a movie he had been in with Han Solo. He didn't *%*#@$ shut up for hours. I sure learned my lesson."

Bossk: "It wouldn't have been so bad if he had used the first person."

BOUSSH as HIMSELF

IG-88: "The director of this film had a terrible experience trying to teach Boussh to speak more than one word. Finally, after doing the research, we concluded that perhaps Lucas was trying to tell us that Boussh's language consisted of only one word. After that, we decided to let Boussh say whatever he wanted."

Boussh: "Quioto."

4-LOM as HIMSELF

Kast: "Those two have terrible comic timing."

Greedo: "We always preferred to call him Lom. Much shorter."

Dooku: *completely oblivious to the fact that no one has been listening to him for the past twenty minutes* "I first met Lucas when I was twenty-two. Wonderful chap. I think that few people understand the true genius of—"

DENGAR as HIMSELF

*Fangirls everywhere cheer*

Dengar: "Hold up! If everyone's *%$*# in love with me, why don't I get higher billing?"

Dooku: "—After all, if it hadn't been for Lucas, special effects wouldn't have been invented—"

Kast: "Remember when you had that mohawk?"

Dengar: "Yeah, the girls—"

Kast: "You were HIDEOUS!"

CRADOSSK as HIMSELF

Bossk: "I hate that man."

BOSSK as HIMSELF

Bossk: *growling* "I hate him even more now."

Greedo: "Is it just me, or does the order of billing make absolutely no sense?"

Dooku: ". . . always was fascinated with the history of the galaxy. Lucas went to great lengths to show all the details. He even invented a pantheon for Trandosha. . . ."

A RANDOM GUY WE PICKED OFF THE STREET as THE CRAZED FANBOY

Dengar: *shudders*

Kast: "I think we ALL had to get rabies shots at some point during the shoot. . . ."

Dooku: ". . . and the introduction of a God of Wookiee-Hunting! Pure genius!"

PIETT as HIMSELF

Zuckuss: "The Admiral does not like bounty hunters, and Zuckuss cannot wait to meet him again, for when Zuckuss does Zuckuss will have Zuckuss's methane at the ready!"

Greedo: "We need to find you a doctor, buddy."

Dooku: ". . . was actually close friends with Spielberg and several other famous directors. They used to meet in a pub to discuss their scripts. . . ."

DURGE as HIMSELF and SEVERAL THOUSAND CLONES

Kast: "Now that guy was eyecandy."

Dengar: *whimpers* "Fett kept telling him to headbutt me."

Dooku: ". . . I was actually asked to play IG-88 first, but since he's a spry young assassin droid, I decided. . . ."

Kast: "Okay, we're out of time! We invite you to sit back and relax while you listen to the wonderful voice of Eenya, the Twi-lek songmistress, as she performs our title song—'EE3.'"

*They file out of the room.*

Dooku: ". . . and then there was the time. . . ."

Kast: *from outside* "Uh, Dookie?"

Dooku: ". . . she was a BEAUTIFUL woman. . . ."

Kast: "Uncle Dookie?"

Dooku: ". . . I actually met Grand Moff Tarkin many many years ago, while filming. . . ."

Kast: "YO, DOOKIE!"

Dooku: *jumps* "What?"

Kast: "Time to go, grampa."

Dooku: *muttering as he walks out of the room* "Kids these days. Don't know how to respect their elders. Why, when I was a lad, back in 1892. . . ." *voice fades off into the distance*

"EE3" sung to the tune of "May It Be" by Enya

EE3, a gleaming arm

Will e'er fire true.

EE3, at Boba's call,

May disintegrate you.

If a bounty's on your head,

Oh, you might as well be dead. . . .

__

Rood-eht so heep, la la la, sleemo (Shut the door, slimeball!)

Don't beg! You'll only make him mad.

__

Rood-eht so heep, la la la, pudu (Shut the door, bantha fodder!)

You're only hard merchandise now.

EE3, up to your neck,

Will fire away.

EE3, made by Blastech,

Doth light Boba's day.

When their might is overcome

Wise men know that Fett has won. . . .

Rood-eht so heep, la la la, sleemo (Shut the door, slimeball!)

Don't hide! You'll only make him mad.

__

Rood-eht so heep, la la la, pudu (Shut the door, bantha fodder!)

You're only hard merchandise now. . . .

You're only hard merchandise now. . . .

Kast: "And now, the OTHER, little known, very obscure title song for the movie, 'In Screams,' sung by a young Alderaanian lad whose voice hasn't broken yet. Absolutely heavenly."

"In Screams" to the tune of "In Dreams"

When the fear of hunters comes

Sunless nights will frighten sleep a-away

In the cage aboard Slave One

You will want to faint away.

But in screams

He still will geh-eh-eh-eh, get pay-ay-ay-aid.

And ne'er in dreams

Will you be sa-ay-ay-ay, ay-ay-aved! Say-ay-ay-aved!

When Fett has cah-ap-tured them all

He will've naught to do all day-ay-ay-ay!

From Vader doth he get his call

Hiring him there

He will go there

And get paid again.

THE END

Author's Note: Believe it or not, that's actually The End. The Real End. Completely The End. That is, until school's out, when I plan to write The Two Twi-leks and, eventually, The Return of the Fett. I'd like to thank each and every one of you for sticking with me, despite my very slow updates. You all are great! And so, goodbye until then! Peace and Long Life! (just kidding)


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